Foolish Phrases VI
"It ain't over 'til it's over."
Really? Do I really have to say anything about this one? C'mon people. Of course it isn't over until it's over. But guess what? 90% of the time that people say this, it really is over. Give up already. Or at least be gracious and admit that you've lost.
Alternatives:
"I think we can stage a comeback."
"We've lost."
"I can't think of anything else to say that's motivational."
"I am clueless."
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Funny Friday
New York Vs. (Part II)
While New York takes some time to lick its wounds after a bloody civil war, Bloomberg annexes Connecticut. Connecticut meekly complies after they realize that everybody in Connecticut works in Manhattan anyways. There is a bit of a squabble as Yale attempts a demonstration against New York's aggressiveness but the uprising is quelled as soon as New York gives them a research grant.
This week, New York goes after New Jersey. Why would New York want to attack New Jersey? There's a few reasons. First of all, they're holding our football teams hostage. Secondly, they are on the other side of the George Washington Bridge; we can't conquer the world if we have to pay a toll every time we cross the GWB.
Here's the breakdown:
New York vs. New Jersey
Population
NY: 18 million or so, accounting for losses incurred during the civil war.
NJ: 8 million
Advantage: NY
Intelligence
NY: Columbia, Cornell, Yale
NJ: Princeton and has the most engineers and scientists per square mile in the world.
Advantage: NJ
Money
NY: About $20 billion deficit
NJ: About $4 billion deficit
Advantage: NJ
Weaponry
NY: A lot of guns
NJ: Not so many guns
Advantage: NY
Miscellaneous
NY: General coolness
NJ: The Mafia, Atlantic City, natural olfactory defenses
Advantage: NJ
Prognosis
First, a Cold War begins as each state attempts to take control over the Port Authority. Rampant espionage and black ops ensue. NJ eventually wins out due to their vast experience in organized crime.
Undeterred by this setback, NY prepares a massive assault with a large continent of cops armed with shotguns, assault rifles, helicopters, etc. However, they are easily driven back by the smell of NJ's swamps.
For a moment it looks as though NY is left defenseless and all of NJ's gangsters threaten to march down the GWB and attack NY directly. In a last-ditch effort, however, NY floods the GWB with cabs, stopping the NJ counterattack in its tracks.
This move buys little time as the gangsters begin to buy off the cabbies one by one, but NY finds the best plan. NY gathers up all of its helicopters and airplanes and airdrops tons of sludge onto NJ. The combination of NJ smell and NY smells is too much and everyone in NJ is knocked unconscious. NY's soldiers recover, march across the GWB, and claim NJ as NY's property. As a result of the massive sludge drop, nobody can live in NJ for the next 50 years, but NY wins this round nonetheless.
Next week
While New York has been locked in a struggle against New Jersey for control of the Mid-Atlantic, a dark force is rising to the northeast...
While New York takes some time to lick its wounds after a bloody civil war, Bloomberg annexes Connecticut. Connecticut meekly complies after they realize that everybody in Connecticut works in Manhattan anyways. There is a bit of a squabble as Yale attempts a demonstration against New York's aggressiveness but the uprising is quelled as soon as New York gives them a research grant.
This week, New York goes after New Jersey. Why would New York want to attack New Jersey? There's a few reasons. First of all, they're holding our football teams hostage. Secondly, they are on the other side of the George Washington Bridge; we can't conquer the world if we have to pay a toll every time we cross the GWB.
Here's the breakdown:
New York vs. New Jersey
Population
NY: 18 million or so, accounting for losses incurred during the civil war.
NJ: 8 million
Advantage: NY
Intelligence
NY: Columbia, Cornell, Yale
NJ: Princeton and has the most engineers and scientists per square mile in the world.
Advantage: NJ
Money
NY: About $20 billion deficit
NJ: About $4 billion deficit
Advantage: NJ
Weaponry
NY: A lot of guns
NJ: Not so many guns
Advantage: NY
Miscellaneous
NY: General coolness
NJ: The Mafia, Atlantic City, natural olfactory defenses
Advantage: NJ
Prognosis
First, a Cold War begins as each state attempts to take control over the Port Authority. Rampant espionage and black ops ensue. NJ eventually wins out due to their vast experience in organized crime.
Undeterred by this setback, NY prepares a massive assault with a large continent of cops armed with shotguns, assault rifles, helicopters, etc. However, they are easily driven back by the smell of NJ's swamps.
For a moment it looks as though NY is left defenseless and all of NJ's gangsters threaten to march down the GWB and attack NY directly. In a last-ditch effort, however, NY floods the GWB with cabs, stopping the NJ counterattack in its tracks.
This move buys little time as the gangsters begin to buy off the cabbies one by one, but NY finds the best plan. NY gathers up all of its helicopters and airplanes and airdrops tons of sludge onto NJ. The combination of NJ smell and NY smells is too much and everyone in NJ is knocked unconscious. NY's soldiers recover, march across the GWB, and claim NJ as NY's property. As a result of the massive sludge drop, nobody can live in NJ for the next 50 years, but NY wins this round nonetheless.
Next week
While New York has been locked in a struggle against New Jersey for control of the Mid-Atlantic, a dark force is rising to the northeast...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thoughtful Thursday
Foolish Phrases V
"You gotta do what you gotta do..."
As far as I can tell, this foolish phrase means something along the lines of "Even though you don't like it, you still have to fulfill your responsibility." Alternatively, it could mean, "I know I'm being a selfish jerk, but I'm going to do what's best for me."
As you can see, this is a double euphemism; not only does it conceal socially deficient intentions by attaching a tone of obligation but it also conceals any meaning at all by actually having no meaning in itself. It's like putting a clown in a clown suit. Please, everyone, don't use this phrase.
Alternatives:
see above
"You gotta do what you gotta do..."
As far as I can tell, this foolish phrase means something along the lines of "Even though you don't like it, you still have to fulfill your responsibility." Alternatively, it could mean, "I know I'm being a selfish jerk, but I'm going to do what's best for me."
As you can see, this is a double euphemism; not only does it conceal socially deficient intentions by attaching a tone of obligation but it also conceals any meaning at all by actually having no meaning in itself. It's like putting a clown in a clown suit. Please, everyone, don't use this phrase.
Alternatives:
see above
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Poetry Tuesday
Elegy for Summer
June was great,
If a little late;
For I wanted summer to come so quick,
Faster, I wanted time to tick.
July was awesome;
Heat and fun were in blossom.
But where are those days now?
They are nowhere to be found.
Now August dies;
Here it rests, here it lies.
And like a fool
I go back to school.
June was great,
If a little late;
For I wanted summer to come so quick,
Faster, I wanted time to tick.
July was awesome;
Heat and fun were in blossom.
But where are those days now?
They are nowhere to be found.
Now August dies;
Here it rests, here it lies.
And like a fool
I go back to school.
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