Monday Monologue

Sickness

Nowhere is pain more objectless than in sickness. Even a mere cold brings aches to the head, pressure to the sinuses, spasmodic sneezing and wretched coughing. Not to mention the general dull ache throughout the muscles that influenza brings.

Perhaps the only thing worse than sickness is treatment. Whether you are in the sterile whiteness of the hospital or under the overbearing care of the relative, treatment always hurts before it heals. Anesthetic can bring relief but only leads to more deadness of the senses and feeling.

Doctors know this, so they avoid anesthetic whenever possible. And so treatment is painful. The homemade remedies, the needles and the vomit, even the body inflicts pain upon itself, as if one could forget that one was sick!

But maybe we would forget. Maybe without the pain we would not know danger. Without danger, what experience could we have? So the seasonal sicknesses humble us, remind us of our fragile nature, and keep us careful. A careless man is a wasteful man.

Monday Monologue

Lakers vs. Celtics, Game Two

I hate to rant about sports stuff in this space, but last night's game in Los Angeles took it too far. The refereeing was absolutely atrocious and ruined what could have been one of the best games ever. Three of Kobe Bryant's fouls were terrible calls and Kevin Garnett clearly knocked the ball out of bounds.

Who am I rooting for in this series? The Lakers. I will tell you why I am rooting for the Lakers and why I feel guilty about this whole situation.

It may be embarrassing to admit this, but I am an intensely devoted Knicks fan. For the past few years I've watched the Knicks play worse than the Washington Senators. For a while it was just because Isaiah Thomas destroyed the team. Then it was because the Knicks were trying to clear cap space for Lebron James in the summer of 2010.

After all this time, the summer of 2010 is here. Lo and behold, the Knicks have cap space galore. Everything is falling into place.

Until the Cavaliers and the Celtics met in the playoffs.

Then, as a Knick fan, I had a dilemma. I could root for Cleveland to beat Boston, which makes total sense when you consider my intense hatred of all Boston sports. A deep-seated anger rises up whenever I hear or see the name Boston. Perhaps I should have rooted for Cleveland.

But no. I rooted for Boston. I rooted for the Celtics hoping that an early Cleveland exit in the playoffs would help the apparently slim chances of Lebron leaving the Cavaliers for the Knicks. "Anything is worth Lebron," I told myself. So I cheered for the Celtics.

Now, it's all blowing up in my face.

See, it doesn't look like Lebron is going to come to New York anyway. So there really wasn't any point in me rooting for the Celtics. I committed sports adultery for no good reason. "It won't matter anyway," I told myself. "The Celtics will never beat the Magic. And even if they do, the Lakers will crush them in the Finals. No worries."

But now, the Celtics are three games away from defeating the Lakers in the Finals. I can't handle another Boston championship. I really can't. It was bad enough when the Red Sox beat the Yankees in 2004, and then won another World Series in 2007. It was bad enough when the Patriots won all those Super Bowls. It was bad enough when the Celtics won in 2008.

If there is any chance that I helped the Celtics win by cheering for them against the Cavaliers, I don't know how I could live with myself as a New York fan. But this all goes away if the Lakers win the series. I need it to all go away.

So referees, please call the game accurately? Thanks.

Monday Monologue

Bothersome New Yorkers (Part II)

Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who are constantly angry.

I understand that anger is not a problem peculiar to New York. However, anger seemed to have reached epidemic status within the confines of the greatest city in the world. It seems as though there is a healthy, or rather, unhealthy number of people who are quick to become angry for a variety of reasons.

Some New Yorkers get angry because they feel that they aren't receiving the respect they deserve.

Some New Yorkers get angry because they think that somebody looked at them the wrong way.

Some New Yorkers get angry because of something that happened ten years ago.

Some New Yorkers get angry for no reason at all.

Some New Yorkers get angry because they think it's cool to be angry. They wear their anger on their sleeves like a badge of honor. And in this game of anger, he who is angriest is coolest. This is the one that I understand the least.

Of course, everybody gets angry once in a while. But if I may offer a piece of advice, it is this:

Take a chill pill.

Monday Monologue

Bothersome New Yorkers (Part I)

Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who walk in the middle of the sidewalk.

Now, as I walk through the concrete canyons of Manhattan, I understand that I might be rubbing shoulders with someone who is rich enough to own their own street. However, most people do not own streets; most streets are public property. That means everybody has a fair chance to use the sidewalk.

Pray tell, then, good pedestrian, why do you walk in the middle of the sidewalk so that none may pass?

I understand that it may be difficult for you to empathize with my plot. Perhaps you have never been in a hurry in your life. If that were the case, then you would simply not be able to understand my desire to move beyond your slow gait. However, please try to understand. I do not wish to spend my entire day walking behind you, particularly when your top speed is a block an hour.

I really don’t want to walk right through you. I would like to walk… around you. But here is the problem. I cannot walk around you if doing so would lead me to walk into oncoming pedestrians, oncoming automobiles, or a wall. I simply wouldn’t do that.

So as you traverse the great city of New York, please have an ounce of spatial awareness. If you’re not going to be walking at a brisk pace, pick a side of the sidewalk and stick to it. Is that too much to ask?

Monday Monologue

This past Tuesday I had the chance to go to a Yankees game for the first time this year. This was my first trip to...

The New Stadium

It's great. It's nice, shiny, and it smells like beer. Why does everyone feel the need to drink multiple cups of beer during a baseball game? In any case, the new stadium is right by the train, which is all I really ask for from my sports teams. Yeah, I'm looking at you, New York Red Bulls. Yet somehow, at the game all I saw were...

Yankee Fans Who Are Not From The Bronx

If you are a Yankee fan and you don't live in the Bronx, good for you. You're a fan of the best team in baseball. However, there's gotta be more fans from the Bronx to cheer for the Bronx Bombers. Sadly, the ride on the 4 train home was not filled to capacity. I suspect that more people come from downtown to 161st street than from the Bronx, not to mention the crowds that drive (polluters!) or take the Metro North. There's gotta be some way for the Yankees to belong to the fans of the Bronx. On a more positive note...

Yankees Fans Rock

I've read and heard that the new stadium is much quieter and produces a much more drab atmosphere. I'm not sure where that criticism came from, because Tuesday night the house was rockin'. I suspect that this sort of thing was being said of games in April and May. The reality is that Yankee fans are smart. They're not going to get too excited about a game in May one way or the other. Fast forward to the middle of August and the Yankee fans will show up with energy because the season is coming to an end. We're in first place, our pitching is coming together and we've had quite a few come from behind victories; now is the time to get excited.

Let's Go Yankees!

Monday Monologue

Movie Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Yesterday I went to see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Being that I am of a younger generation who thinks that G.I. Joe is just a more expensive brand of green army men, I watched this film without any real knowledge of the G.I. Joe universe. Unfortunately, this meant that I couldn't judge any depictions of characters, gadgets, or vehicles against how they appeared in the toys, cartoons, or comics.

So, in order from coolest to least cool, here's what I thought about the movie (spoiler-free!):

Snake Eyes

Simply put, Snake Eyes is the coolest character since Iceman. Played by Ray Park, the man behind Darth Maul of Star Wars: Episode I and Toad of the 2000 X-Men film, I felt like I was in good hands with Snake. The best thing about a character who doesn't speak is that he can't have any cheesy lines to ruin a good scene. His feud with Storm Shadow felt genuine and somehow I felt some real emotion coming off of Snake Eyes even though his face is pretty darn inscrutable and, of course, he doesn't speak. Moreover, he's the only Joe smart enough not to get arrested by the French police. I'm not sure if that's more of a positive for Snake Eyes or a negative for the other Joes.

In any case, a samurai sword plus a handgun with matte black armor and a cool visor thrown in is a formula for success. Plus, it's a great way to pick up chicks. Trust me.


Storm Shadow

In case you can't tell, I'm a sucker for ninjas. Two ninjas who have a decades-old conflict revolving around a slain master? Great stuff. Possibly the best line of the movie belongs to Storm Shadow: "He [Snake Eyes] never gives up."

Heavy Duty

Big black guy with a British accent and really big guns (pun intended)? Cool stuff. Wish he would've gotten some more action (pun unintended).

Rex

There's a twist to the evil doctor behind the madness that I won't give away if you're not familiar with G.I. Joe, but let's just say I liked the look of his character while he's just the evil doctor. A Vaderesque breathing mask plus a scientific monocle? Cool, I say.

Sienna Miller

I'm sure that Sienna Miller's character had a name, but I never did catch it. In any case, she made for a really cool bad chick. Until the end of the movie. There was also some very strange tension between her and Storm Shadow that was left unresolved... perhaps for the best. Gets some more cool points for her cool shades.

Marlon Wayans

As you can tell, things are starting to go a bit downhill. Marlon Wayans plays himself and his performance was somewhat less than convincing. What? He didn't play himself? I couldn't tell.

Channing Tatum

I'd like to thank my unconscious for steering me away from the knowledge of Channing Tatum's existence for as long as it has. I'd also like to apologize to my soul for having to sit through a movie where Channing Tatum is the lead character. I'm not sure if Channing Tatum is a hick from the boondocks but it sure seemed that way. Is there any way that I can convince myself that Channing Tatum doesn't exist? In any case, Duke's name sounds a lot like Duke Hazard, which I think is kind of funny. However, this in no way makes up for the atrocious performance by Channing Tatum.

So?

On the other hand, nobody should go to a G.I. Joe movie to experience great acting or an intricate plot. Movies like this are good for two things: watching stuff blow up and having a few laughs. This movie excels at both things. Was it particular innovative for its genre? Not really, but then again, it also had to pay homage to the previous work done in the G.I. Joe universe. It's worth mentioning that the car chase scene was very well done.

In short, you should go watch this movie if you like watching people shoot each other in style.

Monday Monologue

Optimized Workspace

For those of us who spend our days fulfilling tasks with various degrees of tediosity* and difficulty, it can be difficult at times to stay productive. One of the most important and most overlooked aspects of productivity is developing an optimized workspace.

What is an optimized workspace? This is a fancy term (invented by myself) to describe an environment where you can comfortably accomplish tasks. This could be your desk in your office, the garage where you fix stuff or the chair in which you read. The problem is that these workspaces are too often in a state that actually hinders productivity.

The number one obstacle to an optimized workspace is clutter. This should be pretty obvious; it's hard to concentrate when you're up to your armpits in garbage. Make a consistent appointment to clean up your workspace. For example, make sure that every Friday you clean up your desk, sharpen your pencils, sweep the floor, do the laundry, etc. While periodically cleaning can be tedious, it pays off dividends when an emergency arises and you don't have time to worry about all the post-its you've had on your wall for weeks.

It's also important to consider more subtle factors in your workspace. Is there proper lighting? Is your chair comfortable? Do you find yourself searching for things at a critical time? Do you spend more time figuring out what you're supposed to be doing instead of doing it?

Unfortunately, we can't control every aspect of our environments. If our neighbor decides to blast their music while we're trying to study, there's not much we can do about that. An annoying co-worker has to be worked with, not removed. If you decide that you'd rather have a carpet instead of a hardwood floor, that might have to wait for a while.

But it can be surprising how much a little change can improve our performance. Here are the most common ways that I optimize my workspace:

Clean up the desk

If you find yourself staring at stacks of paper on your desk that have been there so long you can't remember what they're meant for, it's time to put those in a filing cabinet, or better yet, the garbage. Cans of soda, inkless pens, and random knickknacks can find a home in the garbage as well.

Clean up the desktop

Does the desktop on your computer look like a forest of files? Do you find yourself spending a lot of time searching your computer for necessary things? Organize the things you click on according to this principle: Keep the things you use the most the closest.

Open a window

If you find yourself feeling stuffy, let some air in! While the air outside may not be at the most desirable temperature, at least leave the window open for a few minutes to air out the room before turning the air conditioner or heater back on.

Sit (or stand) straight

Remember when your mom told you not to slouch? It sure is hard to focus when your back is killing you. Good posture is the way to have relaxed muscles.

And to illustrate this point, I give you this scene from Men In Black:



* The quality of being tedious