(click to enlarge)
Showing posts with label Funny Friday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Friday. Show all posts
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Friday, June 4, 2010
Funny Friday
On Monday night, a roach was killed in a vicious beating.
Members of the local Pesticide Unit found the victim, Norman Roach, at 11:32 p.m. The corpse was discovered near the sofa, close to the window.
“The roach in question was found with multiple injuries and quite dead by the time we arrived,” said Detective Waterbug, the lead detective on the case. “We are treating this as a hate crime.”
So far, no arrests have been made. “We don’t have any definite leads, but we have a idea of where to look,” Waterbug said.
The autopsy revealed what the police had suspected. Dr. Andrew James, a noted expert in the field of roach killings, told us, “This roach was beaten to death with a large, blunt object, no doubt. Something like a shoe or a boot.”
“Those are the most common types of murder weapons in roach killings,” he added.
With Dr. James’ expert opinion and Waterbug’s comment that they might have a suspect in mind, it was asked if that suspect was Josh’s left chancla. Waterbug declined to comment, saying, “I am not at liberty to disclose that kind of information.”
Dr. James said, “It shouldn’t be too hard to find the perpetrator. Norman was a big, strong roach. It would have taken several strong strikes to crush him like that.”
However, Waterbug has expressed doubts. “If no eyewitnesses come forward,” he said, “It’s going to be hard to pin this down on anybody.”
As the investigation continues, the wife of Norman Roach has come forward, saying, “Who could have done this? Norman was a good roach, he never did nothing to no one. Sure, he took a few crumbs here and there, who hasn’t? But he’s a family man, he’s leaving behind 200 children! That’s a lot of mouths to feed, won’t somebody catch whoever’s responsible?”
Within the past few months there have been a rash of roach killings, including a mass murder that took place two weeks ago. Four roaches were found dead near the kitchen sink. No arrests have been made in any of these cases. In addition, poison and traps of various kinds have been sighted throughout the area, leading some to wonder when this persecution of roaches will end.
Bob Roach, a self-proclaimed advocate for roach rights, commented, “See, a situation like this just shows how little respect roaches get around here. A roach, one of our neighbors, is killed in a senseless act of violence and nobody bats an antenna. It’s only a matter of time before we roaches wake up to the injustices that are being committed against us and band together to fight for ourselves. We have just as much a right to this space as anyone.”
More roaches could not be reached for comment, although the kitchen was checked thoroughly.
A hasty funeral was held for the deceased in Josh’s bathroom. Unfortunately, as the toilet flushed and sent Mr. Roach to his watery grave, none of his family members were able to attend.
“It’s a shame,” Josh said. “I would have liked to introduce them to my right chancla.”
Members of the local Pesticide Unit found the victim, Norman Roach, at 11:32 p.m. The corpse was discovered near the sofa, close to the window.
“The roach in question was found with multiple injuries and quite dead by the time we arrived,” said Detective Waterbug, the lead detective on the case. “We are treating this as a hate crime.”
So far, no arrests have been made. “We don’t have any definite leads, but we have a idea of where to look,” Waterbug said.
The autopsy revealed what the police had suspected. Dr. Andrew James, a noted expert in the field of roach killings, told us, “This roach was beaten to death with a large, blunt object, no doubt. Something like a shoe or a boot.”
“Those are the most common types of murder weapons in roach killings,” he added.
With Dr. James’ expert opinion and Waterbug’s comment that they might have a suspect in mind, it was asked if that suspect was Josh’s left chancla. Waterbug declined to comment, saying, “I am not at liberty to disclose that kind of information.”
Dr. James said, “It shouldn’t be too hard to find the perpetrator. Norman was a big, strong roach. It would have taken several strong strikes to crush him like that.”
However, Waterbug has expressed doubts. “If no eyewitnesses come forward,” he said, “It’s going to be hard to pin this down on anybody.”
As the investigation continues, the wife of Norman Roach has come forward, saying, “Who could have done this? Norman was a good roach, he never did nothing to no one. Sure, he took a few crumbs here and there, who hasn’t? But he’s a family man, he’s leaving behind 200 children! That’s a lot of mouths to feed, won’t somebody catch whoever’s responsible?”
Within the past few months there have been a rash of roach killings, including a mass murder that took place two weeks ago. Four roaches were found dead near the kitchen sink. No arrests have been made in any of these cases. In addition, poison and traps of various kinds have been sighted throughout the area, leading some to wonder when this persecution of roaches will end.
Bob Roach, a self-proclaimed advocate for roach rights, commented, “See, a situation like this just shows how little respect roaches get around here. A roach, one of our neighbors, is killed in a senseless act of violence and nobody bats an antenna. It’s only a matter of time before we roaches wake up to the injustices that are being committed against us and band together to fight for ourselves. We have just as much a right to this space as anyone.”
More roaches could not be reached for comment, although the kitchen was checked thoroughly.
A hasty funeral was held for the deceased in Josh’s bathroom. Unfortunately, as the toilet flushed and sent Mr. Roach to his watery grave, none of his family members were able to attend.
“It’s a shame,” Josh said. “I would have liked to introduce them to my right chancla.”
Friday, May 21, 2010
Funny Friday
The other day I was playing Pokemon (don't judge me!) and I was faced with a terrible decision. I would have to choose between a turtle, a monkey, or a penguin. Of course, this prompted me to ask the age-old question:Turtle, monkey, or penguin?
Turtles
Turtles are generally awesome because of their shell. Anytime a turtle is like, "Whoa buddy! Danger!" he can just hide in his shell and chill until things are cool. Turtles are good at swimming and they have strong mouths for eating stuff. Other positive things about turtles include the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Franklin, and turtle soup. The spanish word for turtle is tortuga, which is fun to say. Tortuga!
Monkeys
Monkeys are more obviously awesome. They're like people, only smarter, or something like that. Anyway, monkeys are fast and agile, being able to jump around trees and stuff. Monkeys were some of the first astronauts, even before humans. There have been plenty of famous monkeys throughout history, including Curious George, sock monkeys, Koko, Abu, Donkey Kong, AiAi, and the Rally Monkey. Monkeys can also ride bicycles.
Penguins
Penguins are popular mostly because they look like tuxedoes. Or tuxedoes look like penguins, I can never figure out which. Penguins are apparently important enough to have a movie about them with Morgan Freeman in it. I didn't see it, but yeah. Penguins are so cool that they can chill at the North Pole without freaking out. The list of penguins holds such illustrious names as Chilly Willy, Feathers McGraw, Pablo, Tux, King Dedede, and Oswald Cobblepot. There is a professional sports team named after this arctic animal.The verdict?
I want them all! A turmonpen or a tlekeyguin.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Funny Friday
New York Vs. (Part II)
While New York takes some time to lick its wounds after a bloody civil war, Bloomberg annexes Connecticut. Connecticut meekly complies after they realize that everybody in Connecticut works in Manhattan anyways. There is a bit of a squabble as Yale attempts a demonstration against New York's aggressiveness but the uprising is quelled as soon as New York gives them a research grant.
This week, New York goes after New Jersey. Why would New York want to attack New Jersey? There's a few reasons. First of all, they're holding our football teams hostage. Secondly, they are on the other side of the George Washington Bridge; we can't conquer the world if we have to pay a toll every time we cross the GWB.
Here's the breakdown:
New York vs. New Jersey
Population
NY: 18 million or so, accounting for losses incurred during the civil war.
NJ: 8 million
Advantage: NY
Intelligence
NY: Columbia, Cornell, Yale
NJ: Princeton and has the most engineers and scientists per square mile in the world.
Advantage: NJ
Money
NY: About $20 billion deficit
NJ: About $4 billion deficit
Advantage: NJ
Weaponry
NY: A lot of guns
NJ: Not so many guns
Advantage: NY
Miscellaneous
NY: General coolness
NJ: The Mafia, Atlantic City, natural olfactory defenses
Advantage: NJ
Prognosis
First, a Cold War begins as each state attempts to take control over the Port Authority. Rampant espionage and black ops ensue. NJ eventually wins out due to their vast experience in organized crime.
Undeterred by this setback, NY prepares a massive assault with a large continent of cops armed with shotguns, assault rifles, helicopters, etc. However, they are easily driven back by the smell of NJ's swamps.
For a moment it looks as though NY is left defenseless and all of NJ's gangsters threaten to march down the GWB and attack NY directly. In a last-ditch effort, however, NY floods the GWB with cabs, stopping the NJ counterattack in its tracks.
This move buys little time as the gangsters begin to buy off the cabbies one by one, but NY finds the best plan. NY gathers up all of its helicopters and airplanes and airdrops tons of sludge onto NJ. The combination of NJ smell and NY smells is too much and everyone in NJ is knocked unconscious. NY's soldiers recover, march across the GWB, and claim NJ as NY's property. As a result of the massive sludge drop, nobody can live in NJ for the next 50 years, but NY wins this round nonetheless.
Next week
While New York has been locked in a struggle against New Jersey for control of the Mid-Atlantic, a dark force is rising to the northeast...
While New York takes some time to lick its wounds after a bloody civil war, Bloomberg annexes Connecticut. Connecticut meekly complies after they realize that everybody in Connecticut works in Manhattan anyways. There is a bit of a squabble as Yale attempts a demonstration against New York's aggressiveness but the uprising is quelled as soon as New York gives them a research grant.
This week, New York goes after New Jersey. Why would New York want to attack New Jersey? There's a few reasons. First of all, they're holding our football teams hostage. Secondly, they are on the other side of the George Washington Bridge; we can't conquer the world if we have to pay a toll every time we cross the GWB.
Here's the breakdown:
New York vs. New Jersey
Population
NY: 18 million or so, accounting for losses incurred during the civil war.
NJ: 8 million
Advantage: NY
Intelligence
NY: Columbia, Cornell, Yale
NJ: Princeton and has the most engineers and scientists per square mile in the world.
Advantage: NJ
Money
NY: About $20 billion deficit
NJ: About $4 billion deficit
Advantage: NJ
Weaponry
NY: A lot of guns
NJ: Not so many guns
Advantage: NY
Miscellaneous
NY: General coolness
NJ: The Mafia, Atlantic City, natural olfactory defenses
Advantage: NJ
Prognosis
First, a Cold War begins as each state attempts to take control over the Port Authority. Rampant espionage and black ops ensue. NJ eventually wins out due to their vast experience in organized crime.
Undeterred by this setback, NY prepares a massive assault with a large continent of cops armed with shotguns, assault rifles, helicopters, etc. However, they are easily driven back by the smell of NJ's swamps.
For a moment it looks as though NY is left defenseless and all of NJ's gangsters threaten to march down the GWB and attack NY directly. In a last-ditch effort, however, NY floods the GWB with cabs, stopping the NJ counterattack in its tracks.
This move buys little time as the gangsters begin to buy off the cabbies one by one, but NY finds the best plan. NY gathers up all of its helicopters and airplanes and airdrops tons of sludge onto NJ. The combination of NJ smell and NY smells is too much and everyone in NJ is knocked unconscious. NY's soldiers recover, march across the GWB, and claim NJ as NY's property. As a result of the massive sludge drop, nobody can live in NJ for the next 50 years, but NY wins this round nonetheless.
Next week
While New York has been locked in a struggle against New Jersey for control of the Mid-Atlantic, a dark force is rising to the northeast...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Funny Friday
Shaquille O’Neal has a new reality show. It’s called Shaq Vs. Here’s how it works: Shaq goes around challenging top professional athletes at their own sport. Everything is forced to be dramatic by the use of awkward trash talk and pop music.
Having watched one entire episode, I think the whole thing is rather frivolous. Let’s rearrange this concept and apply it to something more serious and meaningful.
Let’s do...
New York Vs.
The rules are simple. New York faces off against all challengers in a no-holds barred competition ending in conquest, death, or both.
First, we have to pit New York City against Upstate New York to determine who has supremacy over New York State. This step is crucial because whoever wins this battle will set the tone for the rest of New York’s domination.
We’ll assume that New York City is made up of the five boroughs. Sorry, Brooklyn, but we’re not letting you become independent.
Long Island doesn’t count in this discussion because everybody knows that Long Island is full of nothing but rich people who get drunk all day. They couldn’t be bothered for this struggle and so will remain neutral and apathetic until New York State is unified. I know this because I went to school in Westchester and read The Great Gatsby.
NYC vs. Upstate
Here’s the breakdown:
Population
NYC: 8.3 million
Upstate: 8.4 million (Total population of NYS minus NYC and Long Island)
Advantage: PUSH
Armed Forces
NYC: 37,838 cops.
Upstate: The military academy at West Point.
Advantage: NYC
Money
NYC: Wall Street.
Upstate: Everybody who works at Wall Street lives in Westchester.
Advantage: UPSTATE
Intelligence
NYC: Columbia University.
Upstate: Cornell University.
Advantage: NYC
Diplomacy
NYC: The United Nations headquarters.
Upstate: Cocktails? Golf?
Advantage: NYC
Prognosis
First, while Upstate is busy arguing amongst themselves over which country club to hold their strategic meeting at, NYC sends a sizable force of cops to take control of the Metro-North. This is a masterstroke by NYC because all the teenagers in Upstate begin annoying their parents to death (literally) because they can’t go to the City to waste their parents’ money. While domestic disputes rage all over Upstate, Mount Vernon betrays Upstate and forms an alliance with NYC in exchange for NYC’s promise of support in Mount Vernon’s feud against New Rochelle. Just as Upstate begins to recover from these developments, taxis flood the roads of Upstate, causing massive traffic and paralyzing all transportation. Those still alive in Upstate can only respond by going inside to watch television. But NYC delivers checkmate by taking control of cable programming and showing nothing but reruns of The Real World. Half of the remaining Upstaters sit on their couches until their brains turn to mush and the other half die of some combination of alcohol poisoning, STDs, and infections resulting from piercings and tattoos.
Having demonstrated their dominance over all of New York, Bloomberg unites the state under an iron fist and sets his sights on his next target: New Jersey.
Having watched one entire episode, I think the whole thing is rather frivolous. Let’s rearrange this concept and apply it to something more serious and meaningful.
Let’s do...
New York Vs.
The rules are simple. New York faces off against all challengers in a no-holds barred competition ending in conquest, death, or both.
First, we have to pit New York City against Upstate New York to determine who has supremacy over New York State. This step is crucial because whoever wins this battle will set the tone for the rest of New York’s domination.
We’ll assume that New York City is made up of the five boroughs. Sorry, Brooklyn, but we’re not letting you become independent.
Long Island doesn’t count in this discussion because everybody knows that Long Island is full of nothing but rich people who get drunk all day. They couldn’t be bothered for this struggle and so will remain neutral and apathetic until New York State is unified. I know this because I went to school in Westchester and read The Great Gatsby.
NYC vs. Upstate
Here’s the breakdown:
Population
NYC: 8.3 million
Upstate: 8.4 million (Total population of NYS minus NYC and Long Island)
Advantage: PUSH
Armed Forces
NYC: 37,838 cops.
Upstate: The military academy at West Point.
Advantage: NYC
Money
NYC: Wall Street.
Upstate: Everybody who works at Wall Street lives in Westchester.
Advantage: UPSTATE
Intelligence
NYC: Columbia University.
Upstate: Cornell University.
Advantage: NYC
Diplomacy
NYC: The United Nations headquarters.
Upstate: Cocktails? Golf?
Advantage: NYC
Prognosis
First, while Upstate is busy arguing amongst themselves over which country club to hold their strategic meeting at, NYC sends a sizable force of cops to take control of the Metro-North. This is a masterstroke by NYC because all the teenagers in Upstate begin annoying their parents to death (literally) because they can’t go to the City to waste their parents’ money. While domestic disputes rage all over Upstate, Mount Vernon betrays Upstate and forms an alliance with NYC in exchange for NYC’s promise of support in Mount Vernon’s feud against New Rochelle. Just as Upstate begins to recover from these developments, taxis flood the roads of Upstate, causing massive traffic and paralyzing all transportation. Those still alive in Upstate can only respond by going inside to watch television. But NYC delivers checkmate by taking control of cable programming and showing nothing but reruns of The Real World. Half of the remaining Upstaters sit on their couches until their brains turn to mush and the other half die of some combination of alcohol poisoning, STDs, and infections resulting from piercings and tattoos.
Having demonstrated their dominance over all of New York, Bloomberg unites the state under an iron fist and sets his sights on his next target: New Jersey.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Funny Friday
Comedy Night in Heaven, part I
There was once a famous comedian who was the declared to be "The Funniest Man Alive". This comedian had traveled the entire world with an act that left audiences rolling in the aisles. Magazine articles were written about him, websites were devoted to his funniness, and he even had his own sitcom.
But one day this comedian died and went to heaven.
Naturally, the first thing that God wanted to do was have another Comedy Night at the Pearly Gate Club. So the angels went to work, setting up the auditorium for all the festivities. Before you could say YHWH, the comedian found himself onstage before an audience of angels, dead people, and God Himself.
"Oh boy," said Jesus as the Trinity sat down in their seats of honor. "I've only heard great things about this guy, I bet he's gonna do great."
"I wouldn't be too sure," said the Holy Spirit wisely. "Being funny in Heaven is a lot different than being funny on Earth."
"At least we know one thing," said the Father. "He won't kill tonight." Jesus breathed a sigh of relief.
The comedian walked on stage and truth be told, he was a wee bit nervous. Things were different up here. To start with, instead of his normal deafeningly loud entrance music (usually death metal), everyone got up and sang a hymn as the comedian made his entrance. Plus, instead of spotlights pointed at the stage while the audience sat in the dark, there was light everywhere! Not a shadow to be found.
Perhaps the biggest change was that the comedian was completely sober. He had asked around, but apparently his resurrected body just couldn't handle alcohol like his old one did. He was worried that it might affect his performance.
In any case, the comedian looked around, smiled, and started in on his routine.
"So a priest, a rabbi, and a gay stripper walk into a bar..."
Jesus frowned.
Hm, the comedian thought. I might want to save that joke for another occasion.
"Ah, you know what, forget about that one. Hey, does anybody know why women are named after hurricanes?"
The Holy Spirit frowned.
"Err... I'll let you think about that for a second. In the meantime, who wants to hear a dead baby joke?"
The Father frowned.
Things were not going well.
"Hey, is it hot in here or what?" The comedian had to loosen his collar and looked for an opening. "At least it's cooler than down there, though, if you know what I mean, right?"
A small chuckle floated around the room.
"Hey, you know, if there's so many clouds around here, I mean, just look around! The clouds have clouds. I say, since it can get so cloudy around here that you can barely see (kinda like L.A.), why not just send a few clouds to Hades? Give 'em a break, I say. I mean, they call it a lake of fire, right? Why not make it into a lake of WATER for once."
Giggles were running through the audience as the comedian pressed on.
"Look, all I'm sayin' is that eternity is a long time to be burning up like that. It's bad enough that they have Satan as their neighbor. I've heard that guy has absolutely no personal hygiene. And it's not hard to believe. I mean, we're talking about the guy who considered transforming himself into a serpent to be an upgrade."
The laughs were coming loud and steady now.
"Hey, is Eve here tonight?" Eve raised her hand slowly and gave a sheepish smile. "Hey, let's all give our great-great-great... whatever-grandmother a round of applause! Now, look, Eve, I'm a big fan of yours, what with giving birth to all those children and everything. You talk about not having an instruction manual for being a parent, now here's someone who had it tough. I mean, you think your children are bad? This woman's children MURDERED each other!"
Even Abel had to laugh at that.
"Anyways, Eve, I just got here, so you can imagine I've got a lot of questions for everybody. But there's just one question I've got to ask you. Matter of fact, forget the question, I'm just gonna tell you. That fruit better have been the juiciest, tastiest, most scrumptious..."
The rest was drowned out in a roar of laughter and applause.
"Thank you everybody! I'll be here for all eternity!"
There was once a famous comedian who was the declared to be "The Funniest Man Alive". This comedian had traveled the entire world with an act that left audiences rolling in the aisles. Magazine articles were written about him, websites were devoted to his funniness, and he even had his own sitcom.
But one day this comedian died and went to heaven.
Naturally, the first thing that God wanted to do was have another Comedy Night at the Pearly Gate Club. So the angels went to work, setting up the auditorium for all the festivities. Before you could say YHWH, the comedian found himself onstage before an audience of angels, dead people, and God Himself.
"Oh boy," said Jesus as the Trinity sat down in their seats of honor. "I've only heard great things about this guy, I bet he's gonna do great."
"I wouldn't be too sure," said the Holy Spirit wisely. "Being funny in Heaven is a lot different than being funny on Earth."
"At least we know one thing," said the Father. "He won't kill tonight." Jesus breathed a sigh of relief.
The comedian walked on stage and truth be told, he was a wee bit nervous. Things were different up here. To start with, instead of his normal deafeningly loud entrance music (usually death metal), everyone got up and sang a hymn as the comedian made his entrance. Plus, instead of spotlights pointed at the stage while the audience sat in the dark, there was light everywhere! Not a shadow to be found.
Perhaps the biggest change was that the comedian was completely sober. He had asked around, but apparently his resurrected body just couldn't handle alcohol like his old one did. He was worried that it might affect his performance.
In any case, the comedian looked around, smiled, and started in on his routine.
"So a priest, a rabbi, and a gay stripper walk into a bar..."
Jesus frowned.
Hm, the comedian thought. I might want to save that joke for another occasion.
"Ah, you know what, forget about that one. Hey, does anybody know why women are named after hurricanes?"
The Holy Spirit frowned.
"Err... I'll let you think about that for a second. In the meantime, who wants to hear a dead baby joke?"
The Father frowned.
Things were not going well.
"Hey, is it hot in here or what?" The comedian had to loosen his collar and looked for an opening. "At least it's cooler than down there, though, if you know what I mean, right?"
A small chuckle floated around the room.
"Hey, you know, if there's so many clouds around here, I mean, just look around! The clouds have clouds. I say, since it can get so cloudy around here that you can barely see (kinda like L.A.), why not just send a few clouds to Hades? Give 'em a break, I say. I mean, they call it a lake of fire, right? Why not make it into a lake of WATER for once."
Giggles were running through the audience as the comedian pressed on.
"Look, all I'm sayin' is that eternity is a long time to be burning up like that. It's bad enough that they have Satan as their neighbor. I've heard that guy has absolutely no personal hygiene. And it's not hard to believe. I mean, we're talking about the guy who considered transforming himself into a serpent to be an upgrade."
The laughs were coming loud and steady now.
"Hey, is Eve here tonight?" Eve raised her hand slowly and gave a sheepish smile. "Hey, let's all give our great-great-great... whatever-grandmother a round of applause! Now, look, Eve, I'm a big fan of yours, what with giving birth to all those children and everything. You talk about not having an instruction manual for being a parent, now here's someone who had it tough. I mean, you think your children are bad? This woman's children MURDERED each other!"
Even Abel had to laugh at that.
"Anyways, Eve, I just got here, so you can imagine I've got a lot of questions for everybody. But there's just one question I've got to ask you. Matter of fact, forget the question, I'm just gonna tell you. That fruit better have been the juiciest, tastiest, most scrumptious..."
The rest was drowned out in a roar of laughter and applause.
"Thank you everybody! I'll be here for all eternity!"
Friday, August 14, 2009
Funny Friday
The Tale of Griselda (slightly different)
Once there was a good young man who ruled over the peaceful land of Testang. All the people of Testang respected the rule of this man, who was named Walker. However, Walker was unmarried and had no heirs.
Worried, the people of Testang came to Walker, pleading, "Oh, kind master! Although your leadership is beneficient and kind, we have one request of you; please, oh lord, take for yourself a wife so that you will not die without an heir. For if you do so, some strange person may come to rule over us!"
Walker deliberated. "Very well," he replied. "I will take a wife, but on one condition: that I may choose any woman I desire, and none of you will grumble or complain about my choice."
So all the wedding preparations were made. No expense was spared, and the parson stood ready with all the people of Testang on the preordained day.
Then Walker arrived with his bride-to-be. An inaudible wave of shock ran through the crowd as they saw that Walker's choice was not a beautiful princess, not even a fair maiden, but Griselda.
Griselda? they wondered. Griselda, the poorest young lady in the land? Griselda, who barely manages to survive with her poor father?
And indeed, it was Griselda, dazed and confused. Walker had shown up at her door and proposed, and she hadn't quite known what to do. She looked around the hut she shared with her father and said, "Sure. Why not?"
While her mouth said yes, the rest of her didn't quite believe what was happening. But all of a sudden she was standing with Walker before the parson, and mumbling affirmation to some marriage vows.
It all happened so fast, but before she knew it, Griselda ended up with wonderful clothes, a clean room, and a beautiful two year old daughter.
Then, one day, Bernie came to Griselda while she was with her daughter. Bernie, with a mournful yet stern face, told Griselda, "Ma'am, I have to take Mishy now."
"Where are you taking her?" Griselda asked.
"Away."
"Where is away?"
"Not here."
"Who told you to do this? Was it Walker?"
"Yes."
"Go get him and bring him here. Now!"
And Bernie scampered away as fast as he could.
Soon, Walker came. "Where are you taking my daughter?" Griselda demanded.
Even for a man like Walker, the tone in her voice gave him pause. "Well, that's not for you to know. Come along now, Mishy..."
"Like hell it is!" roared Griselda. Then she pulled out her shotgun and disposed of Walker.
The people gladly accepted Griselda as their ruler. They felt confident that she would never play any mean tricks upon them.
Once there was a good young man who ruled over the peaceful land of Testang. All the people of Testang respected the rule of this man, who was named Walker. However, Walker was unmarried and had no heirs.
Worried, the people of Testang came to Walker, pleading, "Oh, kind master! Although your leadership is beneficient and kind, we have one request of you; please, oh lord, take for yourself a wife so that you will not die without an heir. For if you do so, some strange person may come to rule over us!"
Walker deliberated. "Very well," he replied. "I will take a wife, but on one condition: that I may choose any woman I desire, and none of you will grumble or complain about my choice."
So all the wedding preparations were made. No expense was spared, and the parson stood ready with all the people of Testang on the preordained day.
Then Walker arrived with his bride-to-be. An inaudible wave of shock ran through the crowd as they saw that Walker's choice was not a beautiful princess, not even a fair maiden, but Griselda.
Griselda? they wondered. Griselda, the poorest young lady in the land? Griselda, who barely manages to survive with her poor father?
And indeed, it was Griselda, dazed and confused. Walker had shown up at her door and proposed, and she hadn't quite known what to do. She looked around the hut she shared with her father and said, "Sure. Why not?"
While her mouth said yes, the rest of her didn't quite believe what was happening. But all of a sudden she was standing with Walker before the parson, and mumbling affirmation to some marriage vows.
It all happened so fast, but before she knew it, Griselda ended up with wonderful clothes, a clean room, and a beautiful two year old daughter.
Then, one day, Bernie came to Griselda while she was with her daughter. Bernie, with a mournful yet stern face, told Griselda, "Ma'am, I have to take Mishy now."
"Where are you taking her?" Griselda asked.
"Away."
"Where is away?"
"Not here."
"Who told you to do this? Was it Walker?"
"Yes."
"Go get him and bring him here. Now!"
And Bernie scampered away as fast as he could.
Soon, Walker came. "Where are you taking my daughter?" Griselda demanded.
Even for a man like Walker, the tone in her voice gave him pause. "Well, that's not for you to know. Come along now, Mishy..."
"Like hell it is!" roared Griselda. Then she pulled out her shotgun and disposed of Walker.
The people gladly accepted Griselda as their ruler. They felt confident that she would never play any mean tricks upon them.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Funny Friday
"The Joys of Incoherence"
I get really bad allergies every spring. Picture gushing rivers of snot and eyes redder than brick. That’s what you’ll see if you look at me during allergy season.
But I am not without my defenses. My favorite is called, “Stay Home and Keep Your Face Covered with a T-shirt”. However, during the days that I need to be productive and actually leave the house, I call upon my little helper: Loratadine.
Loratadine is a useful anti-histamine. I would do a full product review, but I no longer have entirely good things to say about this product.
I have been taking Loratadine regularly during the spring season for several years now. However, this year, I switched brands for the sake of saving money. Rarely has being cheap hurt me so badly and at the same time caused so much joy.
It was a Monday. I was oozing liquids from the various orifices of my head. I decided that today would be the day that I began using my new batch of drugs.
Now, the most attractive thing about Loratadine, besides the whole dealing with allergies thing, is that it does not induce drowsiness. At least it didn’t. The problem was that on that Monday, for reasons that are probably linked to my use of a different brand, this Loratadine threatened to put me to sleep right smack in broad daylight.
Now I have no problem falling asleep while the sun shines overhead. The real problem was that I had to not only give a short presentation in class, but also start and finish a 1500-word paper by midnight.
As it turned out, these things were not problems at all. You see, the myth of higher education is that everyone really understands (or cares about) what is going on in class. So when I (or anyone else) start spewing incoherent ramblings in class, well, there isn’t what you would call accountability. In fact, I realized, that was the best presentation I’ve ever given; nobody raised a single point of criticism. Of course, this was undoubtedly due to the fact that nobody understood me, but one can’t be picky about positive reception of one’s work.
As the day proceeded, I discovered something new; I was not merely incomprehensible in public, I was also incapable of being understood in private conversation! (This is only slightly different from my usual social interaction.) The best part was, everyone I spoke to held up the pretense that they understood every word that was coming out of my mouth. I’m not sure why they did this, but I soon realized my newfound freedom.
I could go anywhere and say anything. This is the joy of being incoherent.
Remember that paper? I put the most haphazard collection of letters on a page and handed it in. And guess what? I got an A.
Have you ever wanted to tell someone how you really feel about him or her? With incoherence, spew your invective! They will smile and nod.
Got a secret that you really want to keep a secret? Well, when you’re incoherent, you and your secret are absolutely safe.
Important speech to give? Just add gestures, and you’ll be a hit with the crowd!
Have to meet your significant other’s relatives for the first time? Get some incoherence and watch your worries fade away!
I could write volumes on ways to defuse awkward situations, but perhaps the best advice is also the simplest: be incoherent.
Big job interview? Be incoherent and you’re sure to get a very nice job offer.
Perhaps the best thing about being incoherent is your improved marketability as a writer. Want to know how to get rich quick? Get some incoherence and sit down and write a book. You will immediately be picked up by a major publishing house and a friendly agent who will make sure your work finds its way on to bestseller lists and Oprah’s Book Club. If you have even a bit of luck, you will be lauded by critics and become a part of the classic pantheon of incoherent authors that are read by students and pretentious people everywhere.
I get really bad allergies every spring. Picture gushing rivers of snot and eyes redder than brick. That’s what you’ll see if you look at me during allergy season.
But I am not without my defenses. My favorite is called, “Stay Home and Keep Your Face Covered with a T-shirt”. However, during the days that I need to be productive and actually leave the house, I call upon my little helper: Loratadine.
Loratadine is a useful anti-histamine. I would do a full product review, but I no longer have entirely good things to say about this product.
I have been taking Loratadine regularly during the spring season for several years now. However, this year, I switched brands for the sake of saving money. Rarely has being cheap hurt me so badly and at the same time caused so much joy.
It was a Monday. I was oozing liquids from the various orifices of my head. I decided that today would be the day that I began using my new batch of drugs.
Now, the most attractive thing about Loratadine, besides the whole dealing with allergies thing, is that it does not induce drowsiness. At least it didn’t. The problem was that on that Monday, for reasons that are probably linked to my use of a different brand, this Loratadine threatened to put me to sleep right smack in broad daylight.
Now I have no problem falling asleep while the sun shines overhead. The real problem was that I had to not only give a short presentation in class, but also start and finish a 1500-word paper by midnight.
As it turned out, these things were not problems at all. You see, the myth of higher education is that everyone really understands (or cares about) what is going on in class. So when I (or anyone else) start spewing incoherent ramblings in class, well, there isn’t what you would call accountability. In fact, I realized, that was the best presentation I’ve ever given; nobody raised a single point of criticism. Of course, this was undoubtedly due to the fact that nobody understood me, but one can’t be picky about positive reception of one’s work.
As the day proceeded, I discovered something new; I was not merely incomprehensible in public, I was also incapable of being understood in private conversation! (This is only slightly different from my usual social interaction.) The best part was, everyone I spoke to held up the pretense that they understood every word that was coming out of my mouth. I’m not sure why they did this, but I soon realized my newfound freedom.
I could go anywhere and say anything. This is the joy of being incoherent.
Remember that paper? I put the most haphazard collection of letters on a page and handed it in. And guess what? I got an A.
Have you ever wanted to tell someone how you really feel about him or her? With incoherence, spew your invective! They will smile and nod.
Got a secret that you really want to keep a secret? Well, when you’re incoherent, you and your secret are absolutely safe.
Important speech to give? Just add gestures, and you’ll be a hit with the crowd!
Have to meet your significant other’s relatives for the first time? Get some incoherence and watch your worries fade away!
I could write volumes on ways to defuse awkward situations, but perhaps the best advice is also the simplest: be incoherent.
Big job interview? Be incoherent and you’re sure to get a very nice job offer.
Perhaps the best thing about being incoherent is your improved marketability as a writer. Want to know how to get rich quick? Get some incoherence and sit down and write a book. You will immediately be picked up by a major publishing house and a friendly agent who will make sure your work finds its way on to bestseller lists and Oprah’s Book Club. If you have even a bit of luck, you will be lauded by critics and become a part of the classic pantheon of incoherent authors that are read by students and pretentious people everywhere.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)