Foolish Phrases VI
"It ain't over 'til it's over."
Really? Do I really have to say anything about this one? C'mon people. Of course it isn't over until it's over. But guess what? 90% of the time that people say this, it really is over. Give up already. Or at least be gracious and admit that you've lost.
Alternatives:
"I think we can stage a comeback."
"We've lost."
"I can't think of anything else to say that's motivational."
"I am clueless."
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Funny Friday
New York Vs. (Part II)
While New York takes some time to lick its wounds after a bloody civil war, Bloomberg annexes Connecticut. Connecticut meekly complies after they realize that everybody in Connecticut works in Manhattan anyways. There is a bit of a squabble as Yale attempts a demonstration against New York's aggressiveness but the uprising is quelled as soon as New York gives them a research grant.
This week, New York goes after New Jersey. Why would New York want to attack New Jersey? There's a few reasons. First of all, they're holding our football teams hostage. Secondly, they are on the other side of the George Washington Bridge; we can't conquer the world if we have to pay a toll every time we cross the GWB.
Here's the breakdown:
New York vs. New Jersey
Population
NY: 18 million or so, accounting for losses incurred during the civil war.
NJ: 8 million
Advantage: NY
Intelligence
NY: Columbia, Cornell, Yale
NJ: Princeton and has the most engineers and scientists per square mile in the world.
Advantage: NJ
Money
NY: About $20 billion deficit
NJ: About $4 billion deficit
Advantage: NJ
Weaponry
NY: A lot of guns
NJ: Not so many guns
Advantage: NY
Miscellaneous
NY: General coolness
NJ: The Mafia, Atlantic City, natural olfactory defenses
Advantage: NJ
Prognosis
First, a Cold War begins as each state attempts to take control over the Port Authority. Rampant espionage and black ops ensue. NJ eventually wins out due to their vast experience in organized crime.
Undeterred by this setback, NY prepares a massive assault with a large continent of cops armed with shotguns, assault rifles, helicopters, etc. However, they are easily driven back by the smell of NJ's swamps.
For a moment it looks as though NY is left defenseless and all of NJ's gangsters threaten to march down the GWB and attack NY directly. In a last-ditch effort, however, NY floods the GWB with cabs, stopping the NJ counterattack in its tracks.
This move buys little time as the gangsters begin to buy off the cabbies one by one, but NY finds the best plan. NY gathers up all of its helicopters and airplanes and airdrops tons of sludge onto NJ. The combination of NJ smell and NY smells is too much and everyone in NJ is knocked unconscious. NY's soldiers recover, march across the GWB, and claim NJ as NY's property. As a result of the massive sludge drop, nobody can live in NJ for the next 50 years, but NY wins this round nonetheless.
Next week
While New York has been locked in a struggle against New Jersey for control of the Mid-Atlantic, a dark force is rising to the northeast...
While New York takes some time to lick its wounds after a bloody civil war, Bloomberg annexes Connecticut. Connecticut meekly complies after they realize that everybody in Connecticut works in Manhattan anyways. There is a bit of a squabble as Yale attempts a demonstration against New York's aggressiveness but the uprising is quelled as soon as New York gives them a research grant.
This week, New York goes after New Jersey. Why would New York want to attack New Jersey? There's a few reasons. First of all, they're holding our football teams hostage. Secondly, they are on the other side of the George Washington Bridge; we can't conquer the world if we have to pay a toll every time we cross the GWB.
Here's the breakdown:
New York vs. New Jersey
Population
NY: 18 million or so, accounting for losses incurred during the civil war.
NJ: 8 million
Advantage: NY
Intelligence
NY: Columbia, Cornell, Yale
NJ: Princeton and has the most engineers and scientists per square mile in the world.
Advantage: NJ
Money
NY: About $20 billion deficit
NJ: About $4 billion deficit
Advantage: NJ
Weaponry
NY: A lot of guns
NJ: Not so many guns
Advantage: NY
Miscellaneous
NY: General coolness
NJ: The Mafia, Atlantic City, natural olfactory defenses
Advantage: NJ
Prognosis
First, a Cold War begins as each state attempts to take control over the Port Authority. Rampant espionage and black ops ensue. NJ eventually wins out due to their vast experience in organized crime.
Undeterred by this setback, NY prepares a massive assault with a large continent of cops armed with shotguns, assault rifles, helicopters, etc. However, they are easily driven back by the smell of NJ's swamps.
For a moment it looks as though NY is left defenseless and all of NJ's gangsters threaten to march down the GWB and attack NY directly. In a last-ditch effort, however, NY floods the GWB with cabs, stopping the NJ counterattack in its tracks.
This move buys little time as the gangsters begin to buy off the cabbies one by one, but NY finds the best plan. NY gathers up all of its helicopters and airplanes and airdrops tons of sludge onto NJ. The combination of NJ smell and NY smells is too much and everyone in NJ is knocked unconscious. NY's soldiers recover, march across the GWB, and claim NJ as NY's property. As a result of the massive sludge drop, nobody can live in NJ for the next 50 years, but NY wins this round nonetheless.
Next week
While New York has been locked in a struggle against New Jersey for control of the Mid-Atlantic, a dark force is rising to the northeast...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thoughtful Thursday
Foolish Phrases V
"You gotta do what you gotta do..."
As far as I can tell, this foolish phrase means something along the lines of "Even though you don't like it, you still have to fulfill your responsibility." Alternatively, it could mean, "I know I'm being a selfish jerk, but I'm going to do what's best for me."
As you can see, this is a double euphemism; not only does it conceal socially deficient intentions by attaching a tone of obligation but it also conceals any meaning at all by actually having no meaning in itself. It's like putting a clown in a clown suit. Please, everyone, don't use this phrase.
Alternatives:
see above
"You gotta do what you gotta do..."
As far as I can tell, this foolish phrase means something along the lines of "Even though you don't like it, you still have to fulfill your responsibility." Alternatively, it could mean, "I know I'm being a selfish jerk, but I'm going to do what's best for me."
As you can see, this is a double euphemism; not only does it conceal socially deficient intentions by attaching a tone of obligation but it also conceals any meaning at all by actually having no meaning in itself. It's like putting a clown in a clown suit. Please, everyone, don't use this phrase.
Alternatives:
see above
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Poetry Tuesday
Elegy for Summer
June was great,
If a little late;
For I wanted summer to come so quick,
Faster, I wanted time to tick.
July was awesome;
Heat and fun were in blossom.
But where are those days now?
They are nowhere to be found.
Now August dies;
Here it rests, here it lies.
And like a fool
I go back to school.
June was great,
If a little late;
For I wanted summer to come so quick,
Faster, I wanted time to tick.
July was awesome;
Heat and fun were in blossom.
But where are those days now?
They are nowhere to be found.
Now August dies;
Here it rests, here it lies.
And like a fool
I go back to school.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday Monologue
Bothersome New Yorkers (Part II)
Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who are constantly angry.
I understand that anger is not a problem peculiar to New York. However, anger seemed to have reached epidemic status within the confines of the greatest city in the world. It seems as though there is a healthy, or rather, unhealthy number of people who are quick to become angry for a variety of reasons.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they feel that they aren't receiving the respect they deserve.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think that somebody looked at them the wrong way.
Some New Yorkers get angry because of something that happened ten years ago.
Some New Yorkers get angry for no reason at all.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think it's cool to be angry. They wear their anger on their sleeves like a badge of honor. And in this game of anger, he who is angriest is coolest. This is the one that I understand the least.
Of course, everybody gets angry once in a while. But if I may offer a piece of advice, it is this:
Take a chill pill.
Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who are constantly angry.
I understand that anger is not a problem peculiar to New York. However, anger seemed to have reached epidemic status within the confines of the greatest city in the world. It seems as though there is a healthy, or rather, unhealthy number of people who are quick to become angry for a variety of reasons.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they feel that they aren't receiving the respect they deserve.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think that somebody looked at them the wrong way.
Some New Yorkers get angry because of something that happened ten years ago.
Some New Yorkers get angry for no reason at all.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think it's cool to be angry. They wear their anger on their sleeves like a badge of honor. And in this game of anger, he who is angriest is coolest. This is the one that I understand the least.
Of course, everybody gets angry once in a while. But if I may offer a piece of advice, it is this:
Take a chill pill.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Funny Friday
Shaquille O’Neal has a new reality show. It’s called Shaq Vs. Here’s how it works: Shaq goes around challenging top professional athletes at their own sport. Everything is forced to be dramatic by the use of awkward trash talk and pop music.
Having watched one entire episode, I think the whole thing is rather frivolous. Let’s rearrange this concept and apply it to something more serious and meaningful.
Let’s do...
New York Vs.
The rules are simple. New York faces off against all challengers in a no-holds barred competition ending in conquest, death, or both.
First, we have to pit New York City against Upstate New York to determine who has supremacy over New York State. This step is crucial because whoever wins this battle will set the tone for the rest of New York’s domination.
We’ll assume that New York City is made up of the five boroughs. Sorry, Brooklyn, but we’re not letting you become independent.
Long Island doesn’t count in this discussion because everybody knows that Long Island is full of nothing but rich people who get drunk all day. They couldn’t be bothered for this struggle and so will remain neutral and apathetic until New York State is unified. I know this because I went to school in Westchester and read The Great Gatsby.
NYC vs. Upstate
Here’s the breakdown:
Population
NYC: 8.3 million
Upstate: 8.4 million (Total population of NYS minus NYC and Long Island)
Advantage: PUSH
Armed Forces
NYC: 37,838 cops.
Upstate: The military academy at West Point.
Advantage: NYC
Money
NYC: Wall Street.
Upstate: Everybody who works at Wall Street lives in Westchester.
Advantage: UPSTATE
Intelligence
NYC: Columbia University.
Upstate: Cornell University.
Advantage: NYC
Diplomacy
NYC: The United Nations headquarters.
Upstate: Cocktails? Golf?
Advantage: NYC
Prognosis
First, while Upstate is busy arguing amongst themselves over which country club to hold their strategic meeting at, NYC sends a sizable force of cops to take control of the Metro-North. This is a masterstroke by NYC because all the teenagers in Upstate begin annoying their parents to death (literally) because they can’t go to the City to waste their parents’ money. While domestic disputes rage all over Upstate, Mount Vernon betrays Upstate and forms an alliance with NYC in exchange for NYC’s promise of support in Mount Vernon’s feud against New Rochelle. Just as Upstate begins to recover from these developments, taxis flood the roads of Upstate, causing massive traffic and paralyzing all transportation. Those still alive in Upstate can only respond by going inside to watch television. But NYC delivers checkmate by taking control of cable programming and showing nothing but reruns of The Real World. Half of the remaining Upstaters sit on their couches until their brains turn to mush and the other half die of some combination of alcohol poisoning, STDs, and infections resulting from piercings and tattoos.
Having demonstrated their dominance over all of New York, Bloomberg unites the state under an iron fist and sets his sights on his next target: New Jersey.
Having watched one entire episode, I think the whole thing is rather frivolous. Let’s rearrange this concept and apply it to something more serious and meaningful.
Let’s do...
New York Vs.
The rules are simple. New York faces off against all challengers in a no-holds barred competition ending in conquest, death, or both.
First, we have to pit New York City against Upstate New York to determine who has supremacy over New York State. This step is crucial because whoever wins this battle will set the tone for the rest of New York’s domination.
We’ll assume that New York City is made up of the five boroughs. Sorry, Brooklyn, but we’re not letting you become independent.
Long Island doesn’t count in this discussion because everybody knows that Long Island is full of nothing but rich people who get drunk all day. They couldn’t be bothered for this struggle and so will remain neutral and apathetic until New York State is unified. I know this because I went to school in Westchester and read The Great Gatsby.
NYC vs. Upstate
Here’s the breakdown:
Population
NYC: 8.3 million
Upstate: 8.4 million (Total population of NYS minus NYC and Long Island)
Advantage: PUSH
Armed Forces
NYC: 37,838 cops.
Upstate: The military academy at West Point.
Advantage: NYC
Money
NYC: Wall Street.
Upstate: Everybody who works at Wall Street lives in Westchester.
Advantage: UPSTATE
Intelligence
NYC: Columbia University.
Upstate: Cornell University.
Advantage: NYC
Diplomacy
NYC: The United Nations headquarters.
Upstate: Cocktails? Golf?
Advantage: NYC
Prognosis
First, while Upstate is busy arguing amongst themselves over which country club to hold their strategic meeting at, NYC sends a sizable force of cops to take control of the Metro-North. This is a masterstroke by NYC because all the teenagers in Upstate begin annoying their parents to death (literally) because they can’t go to the City to waste their parents’ money. While domestic disputes rage all over Upstate, Mount Vernon betrays Upstate and forms an alliance with NYC in exchange for NYC’s promise of support in Mount Vernon’s feud against New Rochelle. Just as Upstate begins to recover from these developments, taxis flood the roads of Upstate, causing massive traffic and paralyzing all transportation. Those still alive in Upstate can only respond by going inside to watch television. But NYC delivers checkmate by taking control of cable programming and showing nothing but reruns of The Real World. Half of the remaining Upstaters sit on their couches until their brains turn to mush and the other half die of some combination of alcohol poisoning, STDs, and infections resulting from piercings and tattoos.
Having demonstrated their dominance over all of New York, Bloomberg unites the state under an iron fist and sets his sights on his next target: New Jersey.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thoughtful Thursday
This is Steve Nash.Steve Nash is a two-time NBA MVP. Steve Nash has made six All-Star teams. Steve Nash is one of the greatest point guards of all time.
What I'm trying to say is this: Steve Nash is really good at basketball.
Now, Steve Nash has some other skills that you may not know about. For example, he loves to play soccer and is he is a budding filmmaker.
But let's pretend you are placed in charge of three teams. One team has to win a basketball game, one team has to win a soccer game, and one team has to produce a great movie. Nobody can be on more than one team. Your life depends on these three teams accomplishing their goals.
Next, you are given one Steve Nash; he will do whatever you ask to the best of his ability. The question of the day is this: which team would you put him on?
Would you want Steve Nash to be the point guard of the your basketball team? The playmaker of your soccer team? Or the producer of your film?
I hope the answer is obvious. I'm using this situation to illustrate an important point.
Put your resources where they can make the biggest difference.
Could Steve Nash step into a soccer team and play well? I'm sure he could, but why would you want to make an NBA MVP play soccer? Let the basketball player play basketball.
If you didn't have a basketball team to worry about, then by all means, pencil in Steve Nash into the soccer lineup. But you do have a basketball team to worry about. And your life is depending on this, remember?
In a more abstract sense, an important factor in finding success is making sure that every resource is being used in a way that will yield the most results. One pitfall to avoid is assigning things to certain areas that could perform better in another position. On the other hand, you've also got to make sure not to put things in a position where they won't perform well at all.
Obviously, in the real world there is never a perfect way to allocate all of our resources. Trade-offs and sacrifices will have to be made. But if you find that you are not getting your expected results, ask yourself if there is a better way to apply what you have to the problem at hand.
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