Funny Friday

On Monday night, a roach was killed in a vicious beating.

Members of the local Pesticide Unit found the victim, Norman Roach, at 11:32 p.m. The corpse was discovered near the sofa, close to the window.

“The roach in question was found with multiple injuries and quite dead by the time we arrived,” said Detective Waterbug, the lead detective on the case. “We are treating this as a hate crime.”

So far, no arrests have been made. “We don’t have any definite leads, but we have a idea of where to look,” Waterbug said.

The autopsy revealed what the police had suspected. Dr. Andrew James, a noted expert in the field of roach killings, told us, “This roach was beaten to death with a large, blunt object, no doubt. Something like a shoe or a boot.”

“Those are the most common types of murder weapons in roach killings,” he added.

With Dr. James’ expert opinion and Waterbug’s comment that they might have a suspect in mind, it was asked if that suspect was Josh’s left chancla. Waterbug declined to comment, saying, “I am not at liberty to disclose that kind of information.”

Dr. James said, “It shouldn’t be too hard to find the perpetrator. Norman was a big, strong roach. It would have taken several strong strikes to crush him like that.”

However, Waterbug has expressed doubts. “If no eyewitnesses come forward,” he said, “It’s going to be hard to pin this down on anybody.”

As the investigation continues, the wife of Norman Roach has come forward, saying, “Who could have done this? Norman was a good roach, he never did nothing to no one. Sure, he took a few crumbs here and there, who hasn’t? But he’s a family man, he’s leaving behind 200 children! That’s a lot of mouths to feed, won’t somebody catch whoever’s responsible?”

Within the past few months there have been a rash of roach killings, including a mass murder that took place two weeks ago. Four roaches were found dead near the kitchen sink. No arrests have been made in any of these cases. In addition, poison and traps of various kinds have been sighted throughout the area, leading some to wonder when this persecution of roaches will end.

Bob Roach, a self-proclaimed advocate for roach rights, commented, “See, a situation like this just shows how little respect roaches get around here. A roach, one of our neighbors, is killed in a senseless act of violence and nobody bats an antenna. It’s only a matter of time before we roaches wake up to the injustices that are being committed against us and band together to fight for ourselves. We have just as much a right to this space as anyone.”

More roaches could not be reached for comment, although the kitchen was checked thoroughly.

A hasty funeral was held for the deceased in Josh’s bathroom. Unfortunately, as the toilet flushed and sent Mr. Roach to his watery grave, none of his family members were able to attend.
“It’s a shame,” Josh said. “I would have liked to introduce them to my right chancla.”