Bothersome New Yorkers (Part II)
Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who are constantly angry.
I understand that anger is not a problem peculiar to New York. However, anger seemed to have reached epidemic status within the confines of the greatest city in the world. It seems as though there is a healthy, or rather, unhealthy number of people who are quick to become angry for a variety of reasons.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they feel that they aren't receiving the respect they deserve.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think that somebody looked at them the wrong way.
Some New Yorkers get angry because of something that happened ten years ago.
Some New Yorkers get angry for no reason at all.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think it's cool to be angry. They wear their anger on their sleeves like a badge of honor. And in this game of anger, he who is angriest is coolest. This is the one that I understand the least.
Of course, everybody gets angry once in a while. But if I may offer a piece of advice, it is this:
Take a chill pill.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Funny Friday
Shaquille O’Neal has a new reality show. It’s called Shaq Vs. Here’s how it works: Shaq goes around challenging top professional athletes at their own sport. Everything is forced to be dramatic by the use of awkward trash talk and pop music.
Having watched one entire episode, I think the whole thing is rather frivolous. Let’s rearrange this concept and apply it to something more serious and meaningful.
Let’s do...
New York Vs.
The rules are simple. New York faces off against all challengers in a no-holds barred competition ending in conquest, death, or both.
First, we have to pit New York City against Upstate New York to determine who has supremacy over New York State. This step is crucial because whoever wins this battle will set the tone for the rest of New York’s domination.
We’ll assume that New York City is made up of the five boroughs. Sorry, Brooklyn, but we’re not letting you become independent.
Long Island doesn’t count in this discussion because everybody knows that Long Island is full of nothing but rich people who get drunk all day. They couldn’t be bothered for this struggle and so will remain neutral and apathetic until New York State is unified. I know this because I went to school in Westchester and read The Great Gatsby.
NYC vs. Upstate
Here’s the breakdown:
Population
NYC: 8.3 million
Upstate: 8.4 million (Total population of NYS minus NYC and Long Island)
Advantage: PUSH
Armed Forces
NYC: 37,838 cops.
Upstate: The military academy at West Point.
Advantage: NYC
Money
NYC: Wall Street.
Upstate: Everybody who works at Wall Street lives in Westchester.
Advantage: UPSTATE
Intelligence
NYC: Columbia University.
Upstate: Cornell University.
Advantage: NYC
Diplomacy
NYC: The United Nations headquarters.
Upstate: Cocktails? Golf?
Advantage: NYC
Prognosis
First, while Upstate is busy arguing amongst themselves over which country club to hold their strategic meeting at, NYC sends a sizable force of cops to take control of the Metro-North. This is a masterstroke by NYC because all the teenagers in Upstate begin annoying their parents to death (literally) because they can’t go to the City to waste their parents’ money. While domestic disputes rage all over Upstate, Mount Vernon betrays Upstate and forms an alliance with NYC in exchange for NYC’s promise of support in Mount Vernon’s feud against New Rochelle. Just as Upstate begins to recover from these developments, taxis flood the roads of Upstate, causing massive traffic and paralyzing all transportation. Those still alive in Upstate can only respond by going inside to watch television. But NYC delivers checkmate by taking control of cable programming and showing nothing but reruns of The Real World. Half of the remaining Upstaters sit on their couches until their brains turn to mush and the other half die of some combination of alcohol poisoning, STDs, and infections resulting from piercings and tattoos.
Having demonstrated their dominance over all of New York, Bloomberg unites the state under an iron fist and sets his sights on his next target: New Jersey.
Having watched one entire episode, I think the whole thing is rather frivolous. Let’s rearrange this concept and apply it to something more serious and meaningful.
Let’s do...
New York Vs.
The rules are simple. New York faces off against all challengers in a no-holds barred competition ending in conquest, death, or both.
First, we have to pit New York City against Upstate New York to determine who has supremacy over New York State. This step is crucial because whoever wins this battle will set the tone for the rest of New York’s domination.
We’ll assume that New York City is made up of the five boroughs. Sorry, Brooklyn, but we’re not letting you become independent.
Long Island doesn’t count in this discussion because everybody knows that Long Island is full of nothing but rich people who get drunk all day. They couldn’t be bothered for this struggle and so will remain neutral and apathetic until New York State is unified. I know this because I went to school in Westchester and read The Great Gatsby.
NYC vs. Upstate
Here’s the breakdown:
Population
NYC: 8.3 million
Upstate: 8.4 million (Total population of NYS minus NYC and Long Island)
Advantage: PUSH
Armed Forces
NYC: 37,838 cops.
Upstate: The military academy at West Point.
Advantage: NYC
Money
NYC: Wall Street.
Upstate: Everybody who works at Wall Street lives in Westchester.
Advantage: UPSTATE
Intelligence
NYC: Columbia University.
Upstate: Cornell University.
Advantage: NYC
Diplomacy
NYC: The United Nations headquarters.
Upstate: Cocktails? Golf?
Advantage: NYC
Prognosis
First, while Upstate is busy arguing amongst themselves over which country club to hold their strategic meeting at, NYC sends a sizable force of cops to take control of the Metro-North. This is a masterstroke by NYC because all the teenagers in Upstate begin annoying their parents to death (literally) because they can’t go to the City to waste their parents’ money. While domestic disputes rage all over Upstate, Mount Vernon betrays Upstate and forms an alliance with NYC in exchange for NYC’s promise of support in Mount Vernon’s feud against New Rochelle. Just as Upstate begins to recover from these developments, taxis flood the roads of Upstate, causing massive traffic and paralyzing all transportation. Those still alive in Upstate can only respond by going inside to watch television. But NYC delivers checkmate by taking control of cable programming and showing nothing but reruns of The Real World. Half of the remaining Upstaters sit on their couches until their brains turn to mush and the other half die of some combination of alcohol poisoning, STDs, and infections resulting from piercings and tattoos.
Having demonstrated their dominance over all of New York, Bloomberg unites the state under an iron fist and sets his sights on his next target: New Jersey.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thoughtful Thursday
This is Steve Nash.Steve Nash is a two-time NBA MVP. Steve Nash has made six All-Star teams. Steve Nash is one of the greatest point guards of all time.
What I'm trying to say is this: Steve Nash is really good at basketball.
Now, Steve Nash has some other skills that you may not know about. For example, he loves to play soccer and is he is a budding filmmaker.
But let's pretend you are placed in charge of three teams. One team has to win a basketball game, one team has to win a soccer game, and one team has to produce a great movie. Nobody can be on more than one team. Your life depends on these three teams accomplishing their goals.
Next, you are given one Steve Nash; he will do whatever you ask to the best of his ability. The question of the day is this: which team would you put him on?
Would you want Steve Nash to be the point guard of the your basketball team? The playmaker of your soccer team? Or the producer of your film?
I hope the answer is obvious. I'm using this situation to illustrate an important point.
Put your resources where they can make the biggest difference.
Could Steve Nash step into a soccer team and play well? I'm sure he could, but why would you want to make an NBA MVP play soccer? Let the basketball player play basketball.
If you didn't have a basketball team to worry about, then by all means, pencil in Steve Nash into the soccer lineup. But you do have a basketball team to worry about. And your life is depending on this, remember?
In a more abstract sense, an important factor in finding success is making sure that every resource is being used in a way that will yield the most results. One pitfall to avoid is assigning things to certain areas that could perform better in another position. On the other hand, you've also got to make sure not to put things in a position where they won't perform well at all.
Obviously, in the real world there is never a perfect way to allocate all of our resources. Trade-offs and sacrifices will have to be made. But if you find that you are not getting your expected results, ask yourself if there is a better way to apply what you have to the problem at hand.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Q + A Wednesday
TheMissingLink asks,
In my opinion, which you should not take seriously, buying is better than leasing. Here's why: suppose you have a lease on something. Imagine that you follow through with all the payments until the end of the contract. At the end of the lease, guess what you're left with? At best, an option to renew the lease; at worst, nothing.
On the other hand, when you buy something, it's yours. You can do whatever you want with it. You can sell it, trash it, redecorate it, whatever you want. It's yours as long as you want it to be yours, and you will usually have a chance to recoup whatever you paid for it if you decide that you don't want it anymore.
Here's the best part; ownership is forever. As long as it you take care of them, the things you own can be held on to as long as you live. Heck, you even get to decide what happens to the things you own when you die. If you'd like to spoil your children, buy lots of stuff and give it to them when you die.
I am choosing, of course, to not mention some other troubles of leasing, such as evil people who don't honor the contract, lack of security, etc. And from what I understand, leasing is cheaper over a short period of time. But that's enough financial gobbledygook.
Final Verdict: BUY
My question was...What's better...Buying or Leasing?I am probably the last person you should ask about the differences between buying and leasing. However, I must fulfill my duty by answering the question.
In my opinion, which you should not take seriously, buying is better than leasing. Here's why: suppose you have a lease on something. Imagine that you follow through with all the payments until the end of the contract. At the end of the lease, guess what you're left with? At best, an option to renew the lease; at worst, nothing.
On the other hand, when you buy something, it's yours. You can do whatever you want with it. You can sell it, trash it, redecorate it, whatever you want. It's yours as long as you want it to be yours, and you will usually have a chance to recoup whatever you paid for it if you decide that you don't want it anymore.
Here's the best part; ownership is forever. As long as it you take care of them, the things you own can be held on to as long as you live. Heck, you even get to decide what happens to the things you own when you die. If you'd like to spoil your children, buy lots of stuff and give it to them when you die.
I am choosing, of course, to not mention some other troubles of leasing, such as evil people who don't honor the contract, lack of security, etc. And from what I understand, leasing is cheaper over a short period of time. But that's enough financial gobbledygook.
Final Verdict: BUY
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Poetry Tuesday
The War of the Kitchen
I went to the kitchen on a dark night;
Little did I know that I was in for a fight.
It was only a sandwich that I sought,
But a great battle I fought
Against a roach, scavenger of the earth,
Of whom there will never be a dearth.
I was hungry, looking for food,
And instead I engaged in a great feud.
I flipped on the light
And saw the bug flee in fright.
Little did he know, poor fellow,
That he would soon be turned to jello.
He escaped me at first,
Evading the best of my blows (and the worst)
But finally he made his fatal mistake;
He crawled on the stove, hiding like a snake.
My weapon of choice could not reach
Into that small breach,
But unfortunately for that roach, alas,
I turned on the gas.
Blue flames leapt up
And the heat would not let up
He took the heat as long as he could
But finally the temperature could no longer be withstood
One step, two steps, three
And I cut short his attempt to flee
Down came the hammer
Without any romance or glamour
His innards went splat!
And that was that
Still my work was not finished
Until I cleaned up and finally my hunger was diminished.
I went to the kitchen on a dark night;
Little did I know that I was in for a fight.
It was only a sandwich that I sought,
But a great battle I fought
Against a roach, scavenger of the earth,
Of whom there will never be a dearth.
I was hungry, looking for food,
And instead I engaged in a great feud.
I flipped on the light
And saw the bug flee in fright.
Little did he know, poor fellow,
That he would soon be turned to jello.
He escaped me at first,
Evading the best of my blows (and the worst)
But finally he made his fatal mistake;
He crawled on the stove, hiding like a snake.
My weapon of choice could not reach
Into that small breach,
But unfortunately for that roach, alas,
I turned on the gas.
Blue flames leapt up
And the heat would not let up
He took the heat as long as he could
But finally the temperature could no longer be withstood
One step, two steps, three
And I cut short his attempt to flee
Down came the hammer
Without any romance or glamour
His innards went splat!
And that was that
Still my work was not finished
Until I cleaned up and finally my hunger was diminished.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Monday Monologue
Bothersome New Yorkers (Part I)
Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who walk in the middle of the sidewalk.
Now, as I walk through the concrete canyons of Manhattan, I understand that I might be rubbing shoulders with someone who is rich enough to own their own street. However, most people do not own streets; most streets are public property. That means everybody has a fair chance to use the sidewalk.
Pray tell, then, good pedestrian, why do you walk in the middle of the sidewalk so that none may pass?
I understand that it may be difficult for you to empathize with my plot. Perhaps you have never been in a hurry in your life. If that were the case, then you would simply not be able to understand my desire to move beyond your slow gait. However, please try to understand. I do not wish to spend my entire day walking behind you, particularly when your top speed is a block an hour.
I really don’t want to walk right through you. I would like to walk… around you. But here is the problem. I cannot walk around you if doing so would lead me to walk into oncoming pedestrians, oncoming automobiles, or a wall. I simply wouldn’t do that.
So as you traverse the great city of New York, please have an ounce of spatial awareness. If you’re not going to be walking at a brisk pace, pick a side of the sidewalk and stick to it. Is that too much to ask?
Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who walk in the middle of the sidewalk.
Now, as I walk through the concrete canyons of Manhattan, I understand that I might be rubbing shoulders with someone who is rich enough to own their own street. However, most people do not own streets; most streets are public property. That means everybody has a fair chance to use the sidewalk.
Pray tell, then, good pedestrian, why do you walk in the middle of the sidewalk so that none may pass?
I understand that it may be difficult for you to empathize with my plot. Perhaps you have never been in a hurry in your life. If that were the case, then you would simply not be able to understand my desire to move beyond your slow gait. However, please try to understand. I do not wish to spend my entire day walking behind you, particularly when your top speed is a block an hour.
I really don’t want to walk right through you. I would like to walk… around you. But here is the problem. I cannot walk around you if doing so would lead me to walk into oncoming pedestrians, oncoming automobiles, or a wall. I simply wouldn’t do that.
So as you traverse the great city of New York, please have an ounce of spatial awareness. If you’re not going to be walking at a brisk pace, pick a side of the sidewalk and stick to it. Is that too much to ask?
Friday, August 21, 2009
Funny Friday
Comedy Night in Heaven, part I
There was once a famous comedian who was the declared to be "The Funniest Man Alive". This comedian had traveled the entire world with an act that left audiences rolling in the aisles. Magazine articles were written about him, websites were devoted to his funniness, and he even had his own sitcom.
But one day this comedian died and went to heaven.
Naturally, the first thing that God wanted to do was have another Comedy Night at the Pearly Gate Club. So the angels went to work, setting up the auditorium for all the festivities. Before you could say YHWH, the comedian found himself onstage before an audience of angels, dead people, and God Himself.
"Oh boy," said Jesus as the Trinity sat down in their seats of honor. "I've only heard great things about this guy, I bet he's gonna do great."
"I wouldn't be too sure," said the Holy Spirit wisely. "Being funny in Heaven is a lot different than being funny on Earth."
"At least we know one thing," said the Father. "He won't kill tonight." Jesus breathed a sigh of relief.
The comedian walked on stage and truth be told, he was a wee bit nervous. Things were different up here. To start with, instead of his normal deafeningly loud entrance music (usually death metal), everyone got up and sang a hymn as the comedian made his entrance. Plus, instead of spotlights pointed at the stage while the audience sat in the dark, there was light everywhere! Not a shadow to be found.
Perhaps the biggest change was that the comedian was completely sober. He had asked around, but apparently his resurrected body just couldn't handle alcohol like his old one did. He was worried that it might affect his performance.
In any case, the comedian looked around, smiled, and started in on his routine.
"So a priest, a rabbi, and a gay stripper walk into a bar..."
Jesus frowned.
Hm, the comedian thought. I might want to save that joke for another occasion.
"Ah, you know what, forget about that one. Hey, does anybody know why women are named after hurricanes?"
The Holy Spirit frowned.
"Err... I'll let you think about that for a second. In the meantime, who wants to hear a dead baby joke?"
The Father frowned.
Things were not going well.
"Hey, is it hot in here or what?" The comedian had to loosen his collar and looked for an opening. "At least it's cooler than down there, though, if you know what I mean, right?"
A small chuckle floated around the room.
"Hey, you know, if there's so many clouds around here, I mean, just look around! The clouds have clouds. I say, since it can get so cloudy around here that you can barely see (kinda like L.A.), why not just send a few clouds to Hades? Give 'em a break, I say. I mean, they call it a lake of fire, right? Why not make it into a lake of WATER for once."
Giggles were running through the audience as the comedian pressed on.
"Look, all I'm sayin' is that eternity is a long time to be burning up like that. It's bad enough that they have Satan as their neighbor. I've heard that guy has absolutely no personal hygiene. And it's not hard to believe. I mean, we're talking about the guy who considered transforming himself into a serpent to be an upgrade."
The laughs were coming loud and steady now.
"Hey, is Eve here tonight?" Eve raised her hand slowly and gave a sheepish smile. "Hey, let's all give our great-great-great... whatever-grandmother a round of applause! Now, look, Eve, I'm a big fan of yours, what with giving birth to all those children and everything. You talk about not having an instruction manual for being a parent, now here's someone who had it tough. I mean, you think your children are bad? This woman's children MURDERED each other!"
Even Abel had to laugh at that.
"Anyways, Eve, I just got here, so you can imagine I've got a lot of questions for everybody. But there's just one question I've got to ask you. Matter of fact, forget the question, I'm just gonna tell you. That fruit better have been the juiciest, tastiest, most scrumptious..."
The rest was drowned out in a roar of laughter and applause.
"Thank you everybody! I'll be here for all eternity!"
There was once a famous comedian who was the declared to be "The Funniest Man Alive". This comedian had traveled the entire world with an act that left audiences rolling in the aisles. Magazine articles were written about him, websites were devoted to his funniness, and he even had his own sitcom.
But one day this comedian died and went to heaven.
Naturally, the first thing that God wanted to do was have another Comedy Night at the Pearly Gate Club. So the angels went to work, setting up the auditorium for all the festivities. Before you could say YHWH, the comedian found himself onstage before an audience of angels, dead people, and God Himself.
"Oh boy," said Jesus as the Trinity sat down in their seats of honor. "I've only heard great things about this guy, I bet he's gonna do great."
"I wouldn't be too sure," said the Holy Spirit wisely. "Being funny in Heaven is a lot different than being funny on Earth."
"At least we know one thing," said the Father. "He won't kill tonight." Jesus breathed a sigh of relief.
The comedian walked on stage and truth be told, he was a wee bit nervous. Things were different up here. To start with, instead of his normal deafeningly loud entrance music (usually death metal), everyone got up and sang a hymn as the comedian made his entrance. Plus, instead of spotlights pointed at the stage while the audience sat in the dark, there was light everywhere! Not a shadow to be found.
Perhaps the biggest change was that the comedian was completely sober. He had asked around, but apparently his resurrected body just couldn't handle alcohol like his old one did. He was worried that it might affect his performance.
In any case, the comedian looked around, smiled, and started in on his routine.
"So a priest, a rabbi, and a gay stripper walk into a bar..."
Jesus frowned.
Hm, the comedian thought. I might want to save that joke for another occasion.
"Ah, you know what, forget about that one. Hey, does anybody know why women are named after hurricanes?"
The Holy Spirit frowned.
"Err... I'll let you think about that for a second. In the meantime, who wants to hear a dead baby joke?"
The Father frowned.
Things were not going well.
"Hey, is it hot in here or what?" The comedian had to loosen his collar and looked for an opening. "At least it's cooler than down there, though, if you know what I mean, right?"
A small chuckle floated around the room.
"Hey, you know, if there's so many clouds around here, I mean, just look around! The clouds have clouds. I say, since it can get so cloudy around here that you can barely see (kinda like L.A.), why not just send a few clouds to Hades? Give 'em a break, I say. I mean, they call it a lake of fire, right? Why not make it into a lake of WATER for once."
Giggles were running through the audience as the comedian pressed on.
"Look, all I'm sayin' is that eternity is a long time to be burning up like that. It's bad enough that they have Satan as their neighbor. I've heard that guy has absolutely no personal hygiene. And it's not hard to believe. I mean, we're talking about the guy who considered transforming himself into a serpent to be an upgrade."
The laughs were coming loud and steady now.
"Hey, is Eve here tonight?" Eve raised her hand slowly and gave a sheepish smile. "Hey, let's all give our great-great-great... whatever-grandmother a round of applause! Now, look, Eve, I'm a big fan of yours, what with giving birth to all those children and everything. You talk about not having an instruction manual for being a parent, now here's someone who had it tough. I mean, you think your children are bad? This woman's children MURDERED each other!"
Even Abel had to laugh at that.
"Anyways, Eve, I just got here, so you can imagine I've got a lot of questions for everybody. But there's just one question I've got to ask you. Matter of fact, forget the question, I'm just gonna tell you. That fruit better have been the juiciest, tastiest, most scrumptious..."
The rest was drowned out in a roar of laughter and applause.
"Thank you everybody! I'll be here for all eternity!"
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