The Null Hypothesis
Significance? Significance!?
Not at all, not in this instance.
Want to hear a joke? Relevance.
Au contraire, what is real is chance.
Even Voltaire can't change my stance,
Not for all of the bread of France.
Stubborn? No, my pate is emanced!
Oh, I know there is much romance
In thinking we control our dance;
Do not forget that in your pants
Are the creatures that we call ants;
So small, yet how you prance and prance!
For at just the tip of a lance,
Your promises are blown to Nantes.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Thoughtful Thursday
How To Stay Awake In Class
Recently, I was wide awake and completely focused in class. Because of my condition, I thought it might be useful for others to know the important steps that someone should take if they are sleepy or disinterested in class and don't want to start snoring. So here are ten tips on how to stay awake:
1. Chew gum
It is a curious fact that chewing gum helps you stay awake. Perhaps it is due to the sugar or maybe the mint flavor of the gum. Possibly, the concentration required to continuously chew keeps the chewer alert. It is also possible that chewing gum in class helps keep you awake due to the pain caused by your classmates throwing their books at you in an effort to stop the infuriatingly annoying sound of your incessant chewing. Always remember, folks, chew with your mouth closed.
2. Imagine that everyone is in their underwear
Now, this is obviously not something that you should do all the time. In fact, it is very rarely that you should ever imagine that the people you are looking at are in their underwear. Failure to be cautious in this matter may result in gagging, vomiting, or uncontrollable laughter. The person you are considering applying your imagination to should not be physically grotesque or misshapen. In the right circumstances, however, your imagination can keep you amply entertained so that you do not doze off.
3. Take notes
While taking notes on what the professor is saying is an acceptable tactic, often this is simply not interesting enough to keep the student interested. So consider taking notes in an unconventional way. Perhaps you might write a parody of everything the professor is saying. Maybe you could write your personal thoughts on the course material. You might even write a list of the top ten ways to stay awake in class. The possibilities are endless.
4. Pass notes
Don't have any friends in class? Doesn't matter. Pass notes to your classmates anyways. Of course, this could lead to some awkward situations, like unwittingly passing a note that reads, "THIS PROFESSOR SUX OMG" to a teaching assistant. That could be bad. Or passing a humorous note to someone with no sense of humor. That never turns out well. What does work every time in college is passing around a petition. What are you petitioning for? Doesn't matter. People will sign it and get excited anyways because people love to sign petitions in college. Then you can sit back and watch as the revolution you've started takes on a life of its own.
5. Origami
Not everyone knows origami. I sure don't. But that should not stop you from attempting to fold paper into familiar shapes. Surely you have a notebook, correct? And you aren't writing on all that paper, are you? So put it to good use and make some paper airplanes or swans or paper claws. You wouldn't want to waste paper, would you?
6. Crossword puzzles
Sudoku is also satisfactory in this situation. It is important to match the type of puzzle with the subject of the class you are sitting in. A Sudoku puzzle might be appropriate for a math class, but then again, a word search might be more ironic. Feel free to mix and match to achieve maximum entertainment.
7. Care about the material
This is the hardest one to achieve. Most people cannot choose to start caring about something whenever they want to. On the other hand, some people care about nothing. No matter what your personality, finding something interesting about what the professor is saying is surefire way to stay awake in class.
8. Twirl your writing instrument
Have you ever seen those crazy kids in class who can make their pen dance like a hot potato? Learn how to do that and you can keep yourself fascinated for hours. Alternatively, you can just watch other people twirl their pens. That works too.
9. Stab yourself in the leg
This one is a bit risky because there is a chance you'll hit a major artery and bleed out. One of the few things worse than boredom is dying. But applied correctly, the sheer self-inflicted pain can easily take your mind of the excruciating boredom you are suffering in class. Have you ever seen someone fall asleep after having been stabbed in the leg? I didn't think so.
10. Do homework
If you would like to maximize your time while in class without paying attention to the lecture, just do homework. It can be homework for that class or for another class, doesn't really matter. Of course, there is the slight matter of the struggle to stay awake while doing homework. But here's a more pressing question: why do they call it homework in college? The kids who dorm in college don't go home to do their homework. Really, they should call it "librarywork" or "laptopwork". Of course, if they wanted a more descriptive name, they could just call it "crappywork".
Recently, I was wide awake and completely focused in class. Because of my condition, I thought it might be useful for others to know the important steps that someone should take if they are sleepy or disinterested in class and don't want to start snoring. So here are ten tips on how to stay awake:
1. Chew gum
It is a curious fact that chewing gum helps you stay awake. Perhaps it is due to the sugar or maybe the mint flavor of the gum. Possibly, the concentration required to continuously chew keeps the chewer alert. It is also possible that chewing gum in class helps keep you awake due to the pain caused by your classmates throwing their books at you in an effort to stop the infuriatingly annoying sound of your incessant chewing. Always remember, folks, chew with your mouth closed.
2. Imagine that everyone is in their underwear
Now, this is obviously not something that you should do all the time. In fact, it is very rarely that you should ever imagine that the people you are looking at are in their underwear. Failure to be cautious in this matter may result in gagging, vomiting, or uncontrollable laughter. The person you are considering applying your imagination to should not be physically grotesque or misshapen. In the right circumstances, however, your imagination can keep you amply entertained so that you do not doze off.
3. Take notes
While taking notes on what the professor is saying is an acceptable tactic, often this is simply not interesting enough to keep the student interested. So consider taking notes in an unconventional way. Perhaps you might write a parody of everything the professor is saying. Maybe you could write your personal thoughts on the course material. You might even write a list of the top ten ways to stay awake in class. The possibilities are endless.
4. Pass notes
Don't have any friends in class? Doesn't matter. Pass notes to your classmates anyways. Of course, this could lead to some awkward situations, like unwittingly passing a note that reads, "THIS PROFESSOR SUX OMG" to a teaching assistant. That could be bad. Or passing a humorous note to someone with no sense of humor. That never turns out well. What does work every time in college is passing around a petition. What are you petitioning for? Doesn't matter. People will sign it and get excited anyways because people love to sign petitions in college. Then you can sit back and watch as the revolution you've started takes on a life of its own.
5. Origami
Not everyone knows origami. I sure don't. But that should not stop you from attempting to fold paper into familiar shapes. Surely you have a notebook, correct? And you aren't writing on all that paper, are you? So put it to good use and make some paper airplanes or swans or paper claws. You wouldn't want to waste paper, would you?
6. Crossword puzzles
Sudoku is also satisfactory in this situation. It is important to match the type of puzzle with the subject of the class you are sitting in. A Sudoku puzzle might be appropriate for a math class, but then again, a word search might be more ironic. Feel free to mix and match to achieve maximum entertainment.
7. Care about the material
This is the hardest one to achieve. Most people cannot choose to start caring about something whenever they want to. On the other hand, some people care about nothing. No matter what your personality, finding something interesting about what the professor is saying is surefire way to stay awake in class.
8. Twirl your writing instrument
Have you ever seen those crazy kids in class who can make their pen dance like a hot potato? Learn how to do that and you can keep yourself fascinated for hours. Alternatively, you can just watch other people twirl their pens. That works too.
9. Stab yourself in the leg
This one is a bit risky because there is a chance you'll hit a major artery and bleed out. One of the few things worse than boredom is dying. But applied correctly, the sheer self-inflicted pain can easily take your mind of the excruciating boredom you are suffering in class. Have you ever seen someone fall asleep after having been stabbed in the leg? I didn't think so.
10. Do homework
If you would like to maximize your time while in class without paying attention to the lecture, just do homework. It can be homework for that class or for another class, doesn't really matter. Of course, there is the slight matter of the struggle to stay awake while doing homework. But here's a more pressing question: why do they call it homework in college? The kids who dorm in college don't go home to do their homework. Really, they should call it "librarywork" or "laptopwork". Of course, if they wanted a more descriptive name, they could just call it "crappywork".
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thoughtful Thursday
Foolish Phrases VI
"It ain't over 'til it's over."
Really? Do I really have to say anything about this one? C'mon people. Of course it isn't over until it's over. But guess what? 90% of the time that people say this, it really is over. Give up already. Or at least be gracious and admit that you've lost.
Alternatives:
"I think we can stage a comeback."
"We've lost."
"I can't think of anything else to say that's motivational."
"I am clueless."
"It ain't over 'til it's over."
Really? Do I really have to say anything about this one? C'mon people. Of course it isn't over until it's over. But guess what? 90% of the time that people say this, it really is over. Give up already. Or at least be gracious and admit that you've lost.
Alternatives:
"I think we can stage a comeback."
"We've lost."
"I can't think of anything else to say that's motivational."
"I am clueless."
Friday, September 4, 2009
Funny Friday
New York Vs. (Part II)
While New York takes some time to lick its wounds after a bloody civil war, Bloomberg annexes Connecticut. Connecticut meekly complies after they realize that everybody in Connecticut works in Manhattan anyways. There is a bit of a squabble as Yale attempts a demonstration against New York's aggressiveness but the uprising is quelled as soon as New York gives them a research grant.
This week, New York goes after New Jersey. Why would New York want to attack New Jersey? There's a few reasons. First of all, they're holding our football teams hostage. Secondly, they are on the other side of the George Washington Bridge; we can't conquer the world if we have to pay a toll every time we cross the GWB.
Here's the breakdown:
New York vs. New Jersey
Population
NY: 18 million or so, accounting for losses incurred during the civil war.
NJ: 8 million
Advantage: NY
Intelligence
NY: Columbia, Cornell, Yale
NJ: Princeton and has the most engineers and scientists per square mile in the world.
Advantage: NJ
Money
NY: About $20 billion deficit
NJ: About $4 billion deficit
Advantage: NJ
Weaponry
NY: A lot of guns
NJ: Not so many guns
Advantage: NY
Miscellaneous
NY: General coolness
NJ: The Mafia, Atlantic City, natural olfactory defenses
Advantage: NJ
Prognosis
First, a Cold War begins as each state attempts to take control over the Port Authority. Rampant espionage and black ops ensue. NJ eventually wins out due to their vast experience in organized crime.
Undeterred by this setback, NY prepares a massive assault with a large continent of cops armed with shotguns, assault rifles, helicopters, etc. However, they are easily driven back by the smell of NJ's swamps.
For a moment it looks as though NY is left defenseless and all of NJ's gangsters threaten to march down the GWB and attack NY directly. In a last-ditch effort, however, NY floods the GWB with cabs, stopping the NJ counterattack in its tracks.
This move buys little time as the gangsters begin to buy off the cabbies one by one, but NY finds the best plan. NY gathers up all of its helicopters and airplanes and airdrops tons of sludge onto NJ. The combination of NJ smell and NY smells is too much and everyone in NJ is knocked unconscious. NY's soldiers recover, march across the GWB, and claim NJ as NY's property. As a result of the massive sludge drop, nobody can live in NJ for the next 50 years, but NY wins this round nonetheless.
Next week
While New York has been locked in a struggle against New Jersey for control of the Mid-Atlantic, a dark force is rising to the northeast...
While New York takes some time to lick its wounds after a bloody civil war, Bloomberg annexes Connecticut. Connecticut meekly complies after they realize that everybody in Connecticut works in Manhattan anyways. There is a bit of a squabble as Yale attempts a demonstration against New York's aggressiveness but the uprising is quelled as soon as New York gives them a research grant.
This week, New York goes after New Jersey. Why would New York want to attack New Jersey? There's a few reasons. First of all, they're holding our football teams hostage. Secondly, they are on the other side of the George Washington Bridge; we can't conquer the world if we have to pay a toll every time we cross the GWB.
Here's the breakdown:
New York vs. New Jersey
Population
NY: 18 million or so, accounting for losses incurred during the civil war.
NJ: 8 million
Advantage: NY
Intelligence
NY: Columbia, Cornell, Yale
NJ: Princeton and has the most engineers and scientists per square mile in the world.
Advantage: NJ
Money
NY: About $20 billion deficit
NJ: About $4 billion deficit
Advantage: NJ
Weaponry
NY: A lot of guns
NJ: Not so many guns
Advantage: NY
Miscellaneous
NY: General coolness
NJ: The Mafia, Atlantic City, natural olfactory defenses
Advantage: NJ
Prognosis
First, a Cold War begins as each state attempts to take control over the Port Authority. Rampant espionage and black ops ensue. NJ eventually wins out due to their vast experience in organized crime.
Undeterred by this setback, NY prepares a massive assault with a large continent of cops armed with shotguns, assault rifles, helicopters, etc. However, they are easily driven back by the smell of NJ's swamps.
For a moment it looks as though NY is left defenseless and all of NJ's gangsters threaten to march down the GWB and attack NY directly. In a last-ditch effort, however, NY floods the GWB with cabs, stopping the NJ counterattack in its tracks.
This move buys little time as the gangsters begin to buy off the cabbies one by one, but NY finds the best plan. NY gathers up all of its helicopters and airplanes and airdrops tons of sludge onto NJ. The combination of NJ smell and NY smells is too much and everyone in NJ is knocked unconscious. NY's soldiers recover, march across the GWB, and claim NJ as NY's property. As a result of the massive sludge drop, nobody can live in NJ for the next 50 years, but NY wins this round nonetheless.
Next week
While New York has been locked in a struggle against New Jersey for control of the Mid-Atlantic, a dark force is rising to the northeast...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thoughtful Thursday
Foolish Phrases V
"You gotta do what you gotta do..."
As far as I can tell, this foolish phrase means something along the lines of "Even though you don't like it, you still have to fulfill your responsibility." Alternatively, it could mean, "I know I'm being a selfish jerk, but I'm going to do what's best for me."
As you can see, this is a double euphemism; not only does it conceal socially deficient intentions by attaching a tone of obligation but it also conceals any meaning at all by actually having no meaning in itself. It's like putting a clown in a clown suit. Please, everyone, don't use this phrase.
Alternatives:
see above
"You gotta do what you gotta do..."
As far as I can tell, this foolish phrase means something along the lines of "Even though you don't like it, you still have to fulfill your responsibility." Alternatively, it could mean, "I know I'm being a selfish jerk, but I'm going to do what's best for me."
As you can see, this is a double euphemism; not only does it conceal socially deficient intentions by attaching a tone of obligation but it also conceals any meaning at all by actually having no meaning in itself. It's like putting a clown in a clown suit. Please, everyone, don't use this phrase.
Alternatives:
see above
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Poetry Tuesday
Elegy for Summer
June was great,
If a little late;
For I wanted summer to come so quick,
Faster, I wanted time to tick.
July was awesome;
Heat and fun were in blossom.
But where are those days now?
They are nowhere to be found.
Now August dies;
Here it rests, here it lies.
And like a fool
I go back to school.
June was great,
If a little late;
For I wanted summer to come so quick,
Faster, I wanted time to tick.
July was awesome;
Heat and fun were in blossom.
But where are those days now?
They are nowhere to be found.
Now August dies;
Here it rests, here it lies.
And like a fool
I go back to school.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday Monologue
Bothersome New Yorkers (Part II)
Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who are constantly angry.
I understand that anger is not a problem peculiar to New York. However, anger seemed to have reached epidemic status within the confines of the greatest city in the world. It seems as though there is a healthy, or rather, unhealthy number of people who are quick to become angry for a variety of reasons.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they feel that they aren't receiving the respect they deserve.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think that somebody looked at them the wrong way.
Some New Yorkers get angry because of something that happened ten years ago.
Some New Yorkers get angry for no reason at all.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think it's cool to be angry. They wear their anger on their sleeves like a badge of honor. And in this game of anger, he who is angriest is coolest. This is the one that I understand the least.
Of course, everybody gets angry once in a while. But if I may offer a piece of advice, it is this:
Take a chill pill.
Today I would like to lodge a formal complaint against people who are constantly angry.
I understand that anger is not a problem peculiar to New York. However, anger seemed to have reached epidemic status within the confines of the greatest city in the world. It seems as though there is a healthy, or rather, unhealthy number of people who are quick to become angry for a variety of reasons.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they feel that they aren't receiving the respect they deserve.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think that somebody looked at them the wrong way.
Some New Yorkers get angry because of something that happened ten years ago.
Some New Yorkers get angry for no reason at all.
Some New Yorkers get angry because they think it's cool to be angry. They wear their anger on their sleeves like a badge of honor. And in this game of anger, he who is angriest is coolest. This is the one that I understand the least.
Of course, everybody gets angry once in a while. But if I may offer a piece of advice, it is this:
Take a chill pill.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)