Yesterday I went to see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Being that I am of a younger generation who thinks that G.I. Joe is just a more expensive brand of green army men, I watched this film without any real knowledge of the G.I. Joe universe. Unfortunately, this meant that I couldn't judge any depictions of characters, gadgets, or vehicles against how they appeared in the toys, cartoons, or comics.
So, in order from coolest to least cool, here's what I thought about the movie (spoiler-free!):
Snake Eyes
Simply put, Snake Eyes is the coolest character since Iceman. Played by Ray Park, the man behind Darth Maul of Star Wars: Episode I and Toad of the 2000 X-Men film, I felt like I was in good hands with Snake. The best thing about a character who doesn't speak is that he can't have any cheesy lines to ruin a good scene. His feud with Storm Shadow felt genuine and somehow I felt some real emotion coming off of Snake Eyes even though his face is pretty darn inscrutable and, of course, he doesn't speak. Moreover, he's the only Joe smart enough not to get arrested by the French police. I'm not sure if that's more of a positive for Snake Eyes or a negative for the other Joes.
In any case, a samurai sword plus a handgun with matte black armor and a cool visor thrown in is a formula for success. Plus, it's a great way to pick up chicks. Trust me.
Storm Shadow
In case you can't tell, I'm a sucker for ninjas. Two ninjas who have a decades-old conflict revolving around a slain master? Great stuff. Possibly the best line of the movie belongs to Storm Shadow: "He [Snake Eyes] never gives up."
Heavy Duty
Big black guy with a British accent and really big guns (pun intended)? Cool stuff. Wish he would've gotten some more action (pun unintended).
Rex
There's a twist to the evil doctor behind the madness that I won't give away if you're not familiar with G.I. Joe, but let's just say I liked the look of his character while he's just the evil doctor. A Vaderesque breathing mask plus a scientific monocle? Cool, I say.
Sienna Miller
I'm sure that Sienna Miller's character had a name, but I never did catch it. In any case, she made for a really cool bad chick. Until the end of the movie. There was also some very strange tension between her and Storm Shadow that was left unresolved... perhaps for the best. Gets some more cool points for her cool shades.
Marlon Wayans
As you can tell, things are starting to go a bit downhill. Marlon Wayans plays himself and his performance was somewhat less than convincing. What? He didn't play himself? I couldn't tell.
Channing Tatum
I'd like to thank my unconscious for steering me away from the knowledge of Channing Tatum's existence for as long as it has. I'd also like to apologize to my soul for having to sit through a movie where Channing Tatum is the lead character. I'm not sure if Channing Tatum is a hick from the boondocks but it sure seemed that way. Is there any way that I can convince myself that Channing Tatum doesn't exist? In any case, Duke's name sounds a lot like Duke Hazard, which I think is kind of funny. However, this in no way makes up for the atrocious performance by Channing Tatum.
So?
On the other hand, nobody should go to a G.I. Joe movie to experience great acting or an intricate plot. Movies like this are good for two things: watching stuff blow up and having a few laughs. This movie excels at both things. Was it particular innovative for its genre? Not really, but then again, it also had to pay homage to the previous work done in the G.I. Joe universe. It's worth mentioning that the car chase scene was very well done.
In short, you should go watch this movie if you like watching people shoot each other in style.
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