Funny Friday

On Monday night, a roach was killed in a vicious beating.

Members of the local Pesticide Unit found the victim, Norman Roach, at 11:32 p.m. The corpse was discovered near the sofa, close to the window.

“The roach in question was found with multiple injuries and quite dead by the time we arrived,” said Detective Waterbug, the lead detective on the case. “We are treating this as a hate crime.”

So far, no arrests have been made. “We don’t have any definite leads, but we have a idea of where to look,” Waterbug said.

The autopsy revealed what the police had suspected. Dr. Andrew James, a noted expert in the field of roach killings, told us, “This roach was beaten to death with a large, blunt object, no doubt. Something like a shoe or a boot.”

“Those are the most common types of murder weapons in roach killings,” he added.

With Dr. James’ expert opinion and Waterbug’s comment that they might have a suspect in mind, it was asked if that suspect was Josh’s left chancla. Waterbug declined to comment, saying, “I am not at liberty to disclose that kind of information.”

Dr. James said, “It shouldn’t be too hard to find the perpetrator. Norman was a big, strong roach. It would have taken several strong strikes to crush him like that.”

However, Waterbug has expressed doubts. “If no eyewitnesses come forward,” he said, “It’s going to be hard to pin this down on anybody.”

As the investigation continues, the wife of Norman Roach has come forward, saying, “Who could have done this? Norman was a good roach, he never did nothing to no one. Sure, he took a few crumbs here and there, who hasn’t? But he’s a family man, he’s leaving behind 200 children! That’s a lot of mouths to feed, won’t somebody catch whoever’s responsible?”

Within the past few months there have been a rash of roach killings, including a mass murder that took place two weeks ago. Four roaches were found dead near the kitchen sink. No arrests have been made in any of these cases. In addition, poison and traps of various kinds have been sighted throughout the area, leading some to wonder when this persecution of roaches will end.

Bob Roach, a self-proclaimed advocate for roach rights, commented, “See, a situation like this just shows how little respect roaches get around here. A roach, one of our neighbors, is killed in a senseless act of violence and nobody bats an antenna. It’s only a matter of time before we roaches wake up to the injustices that are being committed against us and band together to fight for ourselves. We have just as much a right to this space as anyone.”

More roaches could not be reached for comment, although the kitchen was checked thoroughly.

A hasty funeral was held for the deceased in Josh’s bathroom. Unfortunately, as the toilet flushed and sent Mr. Roach to his watery grave, none of his family members were able to attend.
“It’s a shame,” Josh said. “I would have liked to introduce them to my right chancla.”

Poetry Tuesday

Boxes and Burgers

Here is an empty box;
I will fill it up with socks.
Every box must hold something;
Better to be full than full of nothing.
Boxes are made to be filled;
Burgers are made to be grilled.
We must eat every burger;
Better to eat, go no further.

Funny Friday

The other day I was playing Pokemon (don't judge me!) and I was faced with a terrible decision. I would have to choose between a turtle, a monkey, or a penguin. Of course, this prompted me to ask the age-old question:

Turtle, monkey, or penguin?

Turtles

Turtles are generally awesome because of their shell. Anytime a turtle is like, "Whoa buddy! Danger!" he can just hide in his shell and chill until things are cool. Turtles are good at swimming and they have strong mouths for eating stuff. Other positive things about turtles include the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Franklin, and turtle soup. The spanish word for turtle is tortuga, which is fun to say. Tortuga!

Monkeys



Monkeys are more obviously awesome. They're like people, only smarter, or something like that. Anyway, monkeys are fast and agile, being able to jump around trees and stuff. Monkeys were some of the first astronauts, even before humans. There have been plenty of famous monkeys throughout history, including Curious George, sock monkeys, Koko, Abu, Donkey Kong, AiAi, and the Rally Monkey. Monkeys can also ride bicycles.

Penguins

Penguins are popular mostly because they look like tuxedoes. Or tuxedoes look like penguins, I can never figure out which. Penguins are apparently important enough to have a movie about them with Morgan Freeman in it. I didn't see it, but yeah. Penguins are so cool that they can chill at the North Pole without freaking out. The list of penguins holds such illustrious names as Chilly Willy, Feathers McGraw, Pablo, Tux, King Dedede, and Oswald Cobblepot. There is a professional sports team named after this arctic animal.

The verdict?

I want them all! A turmonpen or a tlekeyguin.

Thoughtful Thursday

Foolish Phrases VII

"People are weird."

There are many variations of the above phrase, including but not limited to, "People are crazy," "People are strange," "People are fake," etc. What makes all of these phrases foolish? The truth is that all of these phrases are inherently subjective. We just those around us based upon our own prejudices and limited information, and come to grand conclusions such as, "people are weird". So, while you are telling me that "people are weird", just know that I am listening to you, smiling, and thinking, "Wow, what a weird person." And of course, someone else is looking at me and thinking the exact same thing. So judge not, lest ye be judged.

Thoughtful Thursday

It's really hot. It's so hot, even I think it's hot. Normally, I'm the guy who thinks that it should be 90 degrees and humid every day of the year. But the thermostat in my house says that it's about 80 degrees right now and it feels really hot.

What is heat anyways? Is it the absence of cold? Is it particles moving fast? Is it something you get from the oven?

Whatever it is, there's definitely too much of it in my room right now. The sun has already set, but all day it was raining heat. My laptop gives off a ton of heat; even my own body gives off more heat than I can bear right now.

I could go to the freezer, of course, and get some ice cubes. They would be really cold and I think that'd feel nice. But how do you make ice cubes? You plug in the freezer to an outlet, and electricity comes from the power plant, which is probably burning oil, gas, or coal. In order to get this cold ice cube, a whole lot of heat has to be given off.

The same is true of the air conditioner, which also uses electricity. And yet I turn on the air conditioner and put ice cubes in my drink, all for the sake of getting rid of heat.

Would I die without air conditioning and ice cubes? No way. But I use them anyway despite the fact that I'm contributing to pollution and all the other bad things that come from the overconsumption of resources. All for the sake of comfort, which apparently is more valuable than the economy and the environment.

Think about it.

Thoughtful Thursday

How To Be Cool

Be popular

If everybody likes you, you are cool. Listening to pop music, wearing popular styles, and speaking popular slang is a sure way to be cool. In fact, the more you look and act like everybody else, the cooler you are.

Be unpopular

If nobody likes you, you are cool. Listening to indie music, wearing strange clothing, and creating your own slang is a sure way to be cool. In fact, the less you are like anyone else, the cooler you are.

Thoughtful Thursday

How To Be Cool

Be Smart

Get a bunch of degrees, read a lot of books and newspapers, wear glasses, and speak proper English. This will make you cool.

Be Dumb

Drop out of school, eschew books, wear baseball caps, and speak a lot of slang. This will make you cool.