Funny Friday

"The Joys of Incoherence"

I get really bad allergies every spring. Picture gushing rivers of snot and eyes redder than brick. That’s what you’ll see if you look at me during allergy season.

But I am not without my defenses. My favorite is called, “Stay Home and Keep Your Face Covered with a T-shirt”. However, during the days that I need to be productive and actually leave the house, I call upon my little helper: Loratadine.

Loratadine is a useful anti-histamine. I would do a full product review, but I no longer have entirely good things to say about this product.

I have been taking Loratadine regularly during the spring season for several years now. However, this year, I switched brands for the sake of saving money. Rarely has being cheap hurt me so badly and at the same time caused so much joy.

It was a Monday. I was oozing liquids from the various orifices of my head. I decided that today would be the day that I began using my new batch of drugs.

Now, the most attractive thing about Loratadine, besides the whole dealing with allergies thing, is that it does not induce drowsiness. At least it didn’t. The problem was that on that Monday, for reasons that are probably linked to my use of a different brand, this Loratadine threatened to put me to sleep right smack in broad daylight.

Now I have no problem falling asleep while the sun shines overhead. The real problem was that I had to not only give a short presentation in class, but also start and finish a 1500-word paper by midnight.

As it turned out, these things were not problems at all. You see, the myth of higher education is that everyone really understands (or cares about) what is going on in class. So when I (or anyone else) start spewing incoherent ramblings in class, well, there isn’t what you would call accountability. In fact, I realized, that was the best presentation I’ve ever given; nobody raised a single point of criticism. Of course, this was undoubtedly due to the fact that nobody understood me, but one can’t be picky about positive reception of one’s work.

As the day proceeded, I discovered something new; I was not merely incomprehensible in public, I was also incapable of being understood in private conversation! (This is only slightly different from my usual social interaction.) The best part was, everyone I spoke to held up the pretense that they understood every word that was coming out of my mouth. I’m not sure why they did this, but I soon realized my newfound freedom.

I could go anywhere and say anything. This is the joy of being incoherent.

Remember that paper? I put the most haphazard collection of letters on a page and handed it in. And guess what? I got an A.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone how you really feel about him or her? With incoherence, spew your invective! They will smile and nod.

Got a secret that you really want to keep a secret? Well, when you’re incoherent, you and your secret are absolutely safe.

Important speech to give? Just add gestures, and you’ll be a hit with the crowd!

Have to meet your significant other’s relatives for the first time? Get some incoherence and watch your worries fade away!

I could write volumes on ways to defuse awkward situations, but perhaps the best advice is also the simplest: be incoherent.

Big job interview? Be incoherent and you’re sure to get a very nice job offer.

Perhaps the best thing about being incoherent is your improved marketability as a writer. Want to know how to get rich quick? Get some incoherence and sit down and write a book. You will immediately be picked up by a major publishing house and a friendly agent who will make sure your work finds its way on to bestseller lists and Oprah’s Book Club. If you have even a bit of luck, you will be lauded by critics and become a part of the classic pantheon of incoherent authors that are read by students and pretentious people everywhere.