Funny Friday

Comedy Night in Heaven, part I

There was once a famous comedian who was the declared to be "The Funniest Man Alive". This comedian had traveled the entire world with an act that left audiences rolling in the aisles. Magazine articles were written about him, websites were devoted to his funniness, and he even had his own sitcom.

But one day this comedian died and went to heaven.

Naturally, the first thing that God wanted to do was have another Comedy Night at the Pearly Gate Club. So the angels went to work, setting up the auditorium for all the festivities. Before you could say YHWH, the comedian found himself onstage before an audience of angels, dead people, and God Himself.

"Oh boy," said Jesus as the Trinity sat down in their seats of honor. "I've only heard great things about this guy, I bet he's gonna do great."

"I wouldn't be too sure," said the Holy Spirit wisely. "Being funny in Heaven is a lot different than being funny on Earth."

"At least we know one thing," said the Father. "He won't kill tonight." Jesus breathed a sigh of relief.

The comedian walked on stage and truth be told, he was a wee bit nervous. Things were different up here. To start with, instead of his normal deafeningly loud entrance music (usually death metal), everyone got up and sang a hymn as the comedian made his entrance. Plus, instead of spotlights pointed at the stage while the audience sat in the dark, there was light everywhere! Not a shadow to be found.

Perhaps the biggest change was that the comedian was completely sober. He had asked around, but apparently his resurrected body just couldn't handle alcohol like his old one did. He was worried that it might affect his performance.

In any case, the comedian looked around, smiled, and started in on his routine.

"So a priest, a rabbi, and a gay stripper walk into a bar..."

Jesus frowned.

Hm, the comedian thought. I might want to save that joke for another occasion.

"Ah, you know what, forget about that one. Hey, does anybody know why women are named after hurricanes?"

The Holy Spirit frowned.

"Err... I'll let you think about that for a second. In the meantime, who wants to hear a dead baby joke?"

The Father frowned.

Things were not going well.

"Hey, is it hot in here or what?" The comedian had to loosen his collar and looked for an opening. "At least it's cooler than down there, though, if you know what I mean, right?"

A small chuckle floated around the room.

"Hey, you know, if there's so many clouds around here, I mean, just look around! The clouds have clouds. I say, since it can get so cloudy around here that you can barely see (kinda like L.A.), why not just send a few clouds to Hades? Give 'em a break, I say. I mean, they call it a lake of fire, right? Why not make it into a lake of WATER for once."

Giggles were running through the audience as the comedian pressed on.

"Look, all I'm sayin' is that eternity is a long time to be burning up like that. It's bad enough that they have Satan as their neighbor. I've heard that guy has absolutely no personal hygiene. And it's not hard to believe. I mean, we're talking about the guy who considered transforming himself into a serpent to be an upgrade."

The laughs were coming loud and steady now.

"Hey, is Eve here tonight?" Eve raised her hand slowly and gave a sheepish smile. "Hey, let's all give our great-great-great... whatever-grandmother a round of applause! Now, look, Eve, I'm a big fan of yours, what with giving birth to all those children and everything. You talk about not having an instruction manual for being a parent, now here's someone who had it tough. I mean, you think your children are bad? This woman's children MURDERED each other!"

Even Abel had to laugh at that.

"Anyways, Eve, I just got here, so you can imagine I've got a lot of questions for everybody. But there's just one question I've got to ask you. Matter of fact, forget the question, I'm just gonna tell you. That fruit better have been the juiciest, tastiest, most scrumptious..."

The rest was drowned out in a roar of laughter and applause.

"Thank you everybody! I'll be here for all eternity!"